Jokes.

[drpeterbright]

Engineer Investigating A Pontiac That Won't Start


A letter to Pontiac:

"This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not
answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have
a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night.
But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the
whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive
down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a
new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem.
You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the
store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car
starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no
matter how silly it sounds: What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not
start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any
other kind?"

The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but
sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be
greeted by a successful, obviously well educated man in a fine neighborhood.
He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped
into the car and drove to the ice cream store.

It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back
to the car, it wouldn't start.

The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got
chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car
started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start.

Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's
car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue
his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this
end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day,
type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc.

In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than
any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store.

Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front
of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back
of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to
find the flavor and get checked out.

Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it
took less time. Once time became the problem, not the vanilla ice cream,
the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapor lock. It was happening
every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the
engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the
engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.

Moral of the story: Even insane looking problems are sometimes real.

A better moral: Chocolate ice cream cures vapor lock in Pontiacs!

[drpeterbright]

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the
Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just
as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship,
capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging
on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there
was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under same palm
tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small
rowboat appeared.

"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise
ship, too?"

"Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"

"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced
gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus
tree."

"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.

"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side
of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in
my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got
the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all
this time? I don't see any shelter."

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.

"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked.

The engineer nodded dumbly.

She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the
boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back
splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a palm
tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please;
would you like to have a drink?"

"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out
back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down
on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked,
"Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up
on this island."

"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom
cabinet."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and
shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp.

Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she
managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He
couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into
something more comfortable."

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time,
the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown
fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no
companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too...isn't
there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and
woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!"

"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is
something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it
was just...well, it was impossible."

"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean...
you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR E-MAIL HERE!!??!!"

[drpeterbright]

Warning Signs of Insanity

1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then
you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.

2. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that
you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

3. You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

4. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends
you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

5. Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve
yourself on it.

6. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil
dandruff spirits.

7. You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting
fire to his lawn decorations.

8. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

9. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

10. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

11. You laugh out loud during funerals.

12. When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"

13. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you
through that scuba mask.

14. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day
seek revenge.

15. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

16. Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your
little illusion.

17. You collect dead windowsill flies.

18. Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

19. You like cats. Especially with mayo.

20. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.

21. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.

22. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they
weren't rescued.

23. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

24. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

25. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

26. You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the
middle of your front lawn.

27. Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on
it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

28. Melba toast excites you.

29. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to
tell him, because "the napkins have ears."

30. You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

31. Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think
to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."

32. You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for
a few minutes.

33. Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.

34. Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"

35. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala
or to be loved by an infectious disease.

36. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and
pretend that you're a stalk.

37. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

38. You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

39. People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a
violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

40. You like reading lists like this. :)

[drpeterbright]

Things you NEVER want to hear

You don't want to be sitting in your doctor's office and hear: "Well, Jim there is no reason that you shouldn't live another twenty or thirty years, however, you will be bleeding constantly from both eyes."


"Honey, its the police, they have a search warrant, and the three hundred kilos of cocaine are still sitting out in the living room."


"Honey, little Bobby wants to spend the night at the Neverland Ranch.


"Sorry man, we're all out of beer."


"I just want to be friends"

[drpeterbright]

Signs That You Are Too Drunk
1.) You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2.) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3.) Job interfering with your drinking.

4.) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5.) Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

6.) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7.) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

8.) 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

9.) Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

10.) You can focus better with one eye closed.

11.) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

12.) You fall off the floor...

13.) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

14.) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

15.) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

16.) At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

17.) Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

18.) The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

19.) You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine,Alcohol, and Women

20.) Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

21.) Roseanne looks good.

22.) Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

23.) That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.

24.) Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

25.) "I'm as jober as a sudge."

26.) The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

27.) You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

[drpeterbright]

You know you are a loser if:

Tell stupid jokes and host "America's Funniest Home Videos".


Wear your orthidontic head gear to school


Have a Johnathan Taylor Thomas calander


Chat on your Starship Enterprise phone


Have more "cyberfriends" than normal friends


Are no longer a "cyber-virgin"


Wear a "Kurt Cobain 1967-1994" tee Shirt


Wear a shirt with the girls bathroom symbol plastered on the front, come on, I know you've seen them!


Argue with your friends which Green Day album is better: Dookie or Insomniac, which features the hit "Geek Stink Breath"


Know every word to "Ice Ice Baby" by the great Vanilla Ice


Waste your life reading fantasy novels with gnomes, dragons, hobbits, and the like.


Stay home on Friday night to watch the McNeil-Lehrer report, because your liberal teacher mentions that it is an interesting program


Discuss, with your "cyberfriends" the intricate workings of the Starship Enterpise


Have your first beer on your 21st Birthday


Remind a teacher that she forgot to give homework.


Make a website called the Laughing Pit.


Reply to the question "Do you like Led Zeppelin?" by saying "He's allright."


Notice that all of your long-distance phone calls start with "900"


The "UFO Hotline" asks you to limit yourself to one call per day.


Actually call your doctor to find out more about Rogaine with Minoxodil.


Have a pocket protector protector and/or wear a sweatsuit to school


Believe in your heart that Silverchair and Bush AREN'T trying to imitate the great Pearl Jam.


Watch "90210" to find out if Kelly does Coke


You're a guy and you watch 90210 so you can talk about the show with girls

Have a bumper sticker that says, "My daughter is an honor student at Scarsdale elementary", or something stupid like that.


Watch Late-night Cinemax movies for the plot

Enjoy dancing the "Macarena"

Write "Bush rulez!" on your backpack

Your name is Mike Reddy

While engaged in hard-core drinking, you constantly leave 3 Oz. of beer in each bottle, and claim that it is "backwash"

You're white, and you wear one of those Bear Bubble Jackets, like Doug's Sister's boyfriend.

Sit at home on Saturday Night playing the Family Feud video game by yourself

Talk like the people from the movie "Clueless".

Are reading this.

[drpeterbright]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK IF....



There is a stuffed possum mounted any where in your home.

You consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.

Your family tree does not fork.

Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

You've ever hollered: "Rock the house Bubba" during a piano recital.

Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports
event.

You've ever barbecued SPAM on the grill.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

You had a toothpick in your mouth when you had your wedding picture taken.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You have a "Hefty bag" for a passenger side window on your car.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey and the Bandit was
snubbed for best motion picture.

The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.

You prominently display a gift in your house that you bought at Graceland.

Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels
off.

You've ever used lard in bed.

You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.

Your mother keeps a spit-cup on the ironing board.

Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the
State trooper to "kiss my ass".

The primary color of your car is "Bondo".

You see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in
the car.

Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have ever had to scratch your sister or girlfriend's name out of the
message "For a good time, call _______."

Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.

Directions to your house include: "turn off the paved road".

You honestly believe women are turned on by animal noises and seductive
tongue gestures.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

You've ever been too drunk to go fishing.

The most common phrase you hear at a family reunion is: "What are you
looking at, ****head?"

You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

Your house doesn't have any curtains- but your truck does.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

You consider your license plate "personalized" because your father made it.

After making love, you have to ask your date to roll down the window.

You have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnnie Cash over your fireplace.

You still have an 8-track tape player in your car or house.

Your idea of safe sex doesn't include anyone else.

You have ever bar-be-qued hamburgers at the driver-in theater.

Your dad walks to school with you because you're both in the same grade.

You view the next family reunion as a great chance to meet a woman.

You think Campho-phenique is a miracle drug.

You have more than two brothers named Bubba and Junior.

You father encourages you to quit school when Larry announces an opening on
the lube rack.

You liked the velvet picture of Elvis that someone in a van sold you beside
the highway better than anything you saw at an art show or museum.

You own more than three shirts with cut-off sleeves.

You have ever driven down the road with your seat belt hanging out of the
door making sparks.

You have ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Someone asks to see your ID, and you show them your belt buckle.

Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

Jack Daniels is on your list of most admired people.

You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.

You've ever been to a funeral or wedding where there were more pickup trucks
than cars.

Your all-time favorite movie is "Cannonball Run."

You think Volvo is a part of the female anatomy.

Your wife has a beer gut, and you think it's attractive.

You have ever signed a petition to have the national anthem changed to "Free
Bird."

You call your boss "Dude."

You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at the
"House of Tattoos."

You get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair.

You look like Willie Nelson after you get your hair cut.

You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.

You have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside.

You think BMW are the call letters for a radio station.

You wear a belt buckle that weighs more than three pounds.

You have any relatives named "Elmer" or "Jed."

Your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute.

You wish your house looked like the one on the beginning of "Beverly
Hillbillies" or "Green Acres."

Your favorite actors are Gomer Pile, Goober, and Barney Fife.

Your pet parrot knows how to whistle the song to "the Andy Griffith Show."

You know your a Redneck if your idea of dual air bags is your wife and
mother-in-law in the front seat of your pick-up!

[drpeterbright]

FUNNY ENGLISH NOTICES AROUND THE WORLD!
---------------------------------------
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were
discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an
'E' for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special ****tails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to
it.

In a Norwegian ****tail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

[drpeterbright]

A Guide to Effective Scientific Communication
=============================================

Phrase Translation
================================================== ===============
It has long been known I haven't bothered to look up the
reference

It is believed I think

It is generally believed A couple of other guys think so too

It is not unreasonable to If you believe this, you'll believe
assume anything

Of great theoretical I find it kind of interesting
importance

Of great practical importance I can get some mileage out of it

Typical results are shown The best results are shown

3 samples were chosen for The others didn't make sense, so
further study we ignored them

The 4 hour sample was not I dropped it on the floor
studied

The 4 hour determination may I dropped it on the floor, but
not be significant scooped most of it up

The significance of these Look at the pretty artifact
results is unclear

It has not been possible to The experiment was negative, but
provide definitive answers at least I can publish the data
somewhere

Correct within an order of Wrong
magnitude

It might be argued that I have such a good answer for this
objection that I shall now raise it

Much additional work will be This paper is not very good, but
required neither are all the others in this
miserable field

These investigations proved My grant is going to be renewed
highly rewarding

I thank X for assistance X did the experiment and Y explained
with the experiments and it to me
Y for useful discussions
on the interperetation of
the data

[drpeterbright]

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car
drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest
words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even
incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my windows was done but I found out it was up when I put my head
through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection, a hedge sprange up, obscuring my vision and I did
not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an
accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place
where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time
to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found
that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of
my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a
big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its
way when it struck my front end.

[drpeterbright]

ISU RESEARCHERS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named
Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight
of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice
neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of
312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that
involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can
be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into
contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium
caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction
time is less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at
which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice
neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually
increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points,
such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is
always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level
of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it
is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how
Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but
results to date are not promising.

[drpeterbright]

Signs in the USA (mostly)

In front of a New Hampshire restaurant
"Now serving live lobsters"

On the menu of a restaurant
"Blackened bluefish"

In a Maine restaurant
"Open seven days a week and weekends."

In a New Jersey restaurant
"Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the walls of a Baltimore estate
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
-- Sisters of Mercy"

On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store
"Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

In a New York drugstore
"We dispense with accuracy."

In a New York medical building
"Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a New York convalescent home
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church"

In a funeral parlor
"Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

Outside a country shop
"We buy junk and sell antiques."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store
"15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"

In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers
"Parking for birds only."

In the vestry of a New England church
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is
extinguished"

In a laundry room
"Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage."

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago
"Do not activate with wet hands."

In a New Hampshire jewelry store
"Ears pierced while you wait."

In a New York restaurant
"Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

A sign in an Asian seafood store in Madison, Wisconsin
"Crap - .79/lb."

In a Florida maternity ward
"No children allowed."

In the offices of a loan company
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

At a number of US military bases
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

On a display of 'You are my one and only' valentine cards
"Now available in multi-packs"

In the window of an Oregon general store
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

In a Pennsylvania cemetary
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own
graves."

On the grounds of a private school
"No trespassing without permission."

In a library
"Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops
taking it away."

On a Tennessee highway
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

In front of a New Hampshire car wash
"If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car."

On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon
"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

A sign on top of a San Fransico drug store located across the street from
the Transbay bus terminal
"Terminal Drugs"

From the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket
"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell
a crew member."

On a delicatessen wall
"Our best is none too good"

On a roller caoster
"Watch your head"

On a Maine shop
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and
workmanship."

In downtown Boston
"Callahan Tunnel / No end."

A sign on a front yard in York, Maine
"Inexpensive, Quality Daycare - Openings Day and Night."

[drpeterbright]

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths.So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has
been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
this other guy could have been hiding.Finally, I went out to the
balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above ground!By now I was really mad, so I started beating
on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting
hammering on his fingers.Of course, he couldn't stand that for long,
so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the
bushes, stunned but okay.I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into
the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it
landed on him, killing him instantly.But all the stress and anger got
to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man
in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony.Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
I fell over the edge.But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me.I knew I couldn't hang on for very
long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.I thought
for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.I
held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
hammer and started pounding on my hands.Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated.Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
refrigerator..."

[drpeterbright]

Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected
many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the
Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From
Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some transquips:


Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first
name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing
to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
--------
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
--------
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
--------
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
--------
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
--------
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
--------
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
--------
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney,
and said he was really good.
--------
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
--------
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
--------
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
--------
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
--------
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
--------
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
--------
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
--------
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information
and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
--------
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
--------
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,
for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also,
would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
--------
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do
you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
--------
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
--------
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a
victim?
--------
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
--------
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
--------
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top
of my head.
--------
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
--------
Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofa***** - and
she did!
--------
Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
--------
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
--------
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
--------
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
--------
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
witness,
isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
--------
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
--------
Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
--------
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

[Wiggo's-sister]

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): "May I
address the court?"

Judge: "Of course."

Defendant: "If I called you a son of a *****, what would you do?"

Judge: "I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five
days in jail."

Defendant: "What if I thought you were a son of a *****?"

Judge: "I can't do anything about that. There's no law against
thinking."

Defendant: "In that case, I think you're a son of a *****."