LMAO.....will change to the other one I have up my sleeve. :D
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When old Mr. O'Leary died, an elaborate
wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs.
O'Leary called the undertaker aside for
a private little talk.
"Please be sure to fasten his toupee to
his head very securely. No one but I knew
he was bald," she confided, "and he'd
never rest in peace if anyone found out
at this point. Our friends from the old
country are sure to hold his hands and
touch his head before they're through
paying their last respects."
"Rest assured, Mrs. O'Leary," comforted
the undertaker, "I'll fix it so that
toupee will never come off."
Sure enough, the day of the wake the old
timers were giving O'Leary's corpse quite
a going-over, but the toupee stayed firmly
in place. At the end of the day a delighted
Mrs. O'Leary offered the undertaker an
extra thousand dollars for handling the
matter so professionally.
"Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your
money," protested the undertaker.
"After all...what's a few nails?"
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1. Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
3. Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one ******* in there."
4. Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
5. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too.
6. Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator.
7. Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, go away!"
8. A graying man in his 60's approaches a twenty-something with
"Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and
said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
9. Two young dudes are striding down the street and and one glances
at a girl who has just walked by. She turns around and sneers at
him, "What are you looking at?"
His friend comes to the rescue: "He thought you were good looking.
Man, was he was mistaken!"
10. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
11. Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the
same reason!"
Gal: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
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A young woman was having a physical examination and was very
embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her
last bit of clothing, she blushed.
"I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said.
"I guess I let myself go."
The physician was checking her eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss.
You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and
said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."
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After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an
enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.
Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in
the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many
products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and
paper items.
"Well, what do you think" his wife asked smiling.
"Next time," he replied. "I'm writing to General Motors!"
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Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:
NAIVE
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that
make the Tennessee Titans ?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that
one enjoys it?
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Hooters
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put
your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just
stale bread to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry
cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . .
they're cramming for their final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers
use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just
put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look
for them while they deliver the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is
winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
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A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 year old son.
She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her.
After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the
road, she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.
Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.
As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"
Her son piped up from the back seat, "I do... because you couldn't
catch the other cars!"
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One night my friend John and I were sitting at a bar where he
used to work when an attractive woman, a former co-worker, came
in and sat next to him. She told him she had just had a fight
with her husband, a police officer, and needed to get out of the
house for a while.
They had been talking for a few minutes when, as a joke, I leaned
over to John. "Don't look now," I whispered, "but a guy about
six-five just walked in. And he's got a gun."
Without hesitating, John turned to me. "Quick, Ed," he
said, "kiss me on the lips."
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Elmer, the farmer, went into town to retrieve his monthly
supplies. The clerk noticed Elmer was displaying a sad face and
asked what was wrong.
Elmer stated that his wife, Clara, was wearing him out as she was
a nymphomaniac and that he was worn out trying to satisfy her.
The Clerk said "Why don't you put a shotgun on your tractor and
when you are way out on the back of the farm you can give a blast
in the air to signal to her that you are ready for sex."
This would require her to run all the way to him to get serviced
and she would have to return all the way back to the farmhouse.
In this way it might lessen some of her demands. Elmer agreed
that it was a good idea and would give it a try
The following month Elmer returned for more supplies with the
same sad look on his face. The clerk inquired what was wrong.
Elmer responded, "Didn't you hear? Clara died unexpectedly."
The clerk said that he hadn't heard and asked what happened.
Elmer said, "Well, You remember that suggestion that you gave
me?"
The clerk said "Yes."
"Well, It was a good one and worked just fine the first week.
Then pheasant season came along and she ran herself to death."
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Time flies whether or not you're having fun.
Plastic surgery: the work-out routine for the rich.
Skydivers are good to the last drop.
We can learn a lot from people who keep their mouth shut.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
If God wanted us to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good.
If it's the thought that counts, think money.
Being an atheist isn't too bad until someone dies.
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