Jokes.

[Wiggo]

<center>The Alligator</center>

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar, then turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my ***** inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my ***** unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his ***** unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After awhile, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blond woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Beefy]

hehehe.. blond jokes.. :)

[Wiggo's-sister]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector
from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying
on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home
unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "hide in the closet!"

She hurried him into the closet -- stark naked.

The husband soon became suspicious of his breathless wife, dressed
in only a robe; and after a short search of the bedroom, discovered
the naked man in the closet.

"Who the hell are you?" insisted the husband.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in the closet?" the husband demanded.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,"
explained the man. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,
"Damn!... Those little *******s!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

DINNER CONVERSATION:

WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?

MAN: No, she's left-handed.

[Beefy]

hehehe.. :)

[Wiggo's-sister]

A rat looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife
opening a package. What food might it contain? He was aghast to discover
that it was a rat trap. Retreating to the farmyard the rat proclaimed the
warning; "There is a rat trap in the house, a rat trap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Excuse me,
Mr. Rat, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no
consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."

The rat turned to the pig and told him, "There is a rat trap in the house,
a rat trap in the house!" "I am so very sorry Mr. Rat," sympathized the
pig, "but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured that you
are in my prayers."

The rat turned to the cow. She said, "Like wow, Mr. Rat. A rat trap. I am
in grave danger. Duh?"

So the rat returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the
farmer's rat trap alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the
house, like the sound of a rat trap catching its prey. The farmer's wife
rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see that it
was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the
farmer's wife.

The farmer rushed her to the hospital. She returned home with a fever. Now
everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer
took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. His
wife's sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with
her around the clock. To feed them the farmer butchered the pig. The
farmer's wife did not get well. She died, and so many people came for her
funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of
them to eat.

So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that
it does not concern you, remember that when there is a rat trap in the
house, the whole farmyard is at risk.

[Wiggo's-sister]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a
complicated golf course became confused as to where he
was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady
playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained
his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he
was playing. "I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and
you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th
hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he
approached her again with the same request. "I'm on
number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must
be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and
returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where
he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He
asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender
said that she was a sales lady and played the course
often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink
in appreciation for your help. I understand that
you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also.
What do you sell?"

"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she said.
"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for
Tampax. "With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell
off the barstool. "See," she said. "I knew you'd
laugh!"

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a
salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind
you."

[Wiggo's-sister]

How would you like to be an egg?


You only get laid once.


You only get eaten once.


It takes four minutes to get hard.


Only two minutes to get soft.


You share your box with 11 other guys


But worst of all..


the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!


So cheer up, Your life ain't that bad!!!!


Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay,


I mean day!!!!!

[Wiggo's-sister]

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert
himself.

"You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home
and show her you're the boss."

The husband takes the doctor's advice.

He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in
his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're
taking orders from me. I want my supper right now,
and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and
lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with
the boys, and you are going to stay at home where
you belong. And another thing, guess who's going to
comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"

His wife says calmly, " The undertaker."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench talking
amongst themselves, when a flasher came by. The
flasher stood right in front of them and opened his
trench coat.

Needless to say, the first old lady had a stroke....

Then the second old lady had a stroke....

And the third old lady, well... she couldn't
reach that far.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the
spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel
universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some
people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of
payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my
hand...

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays
off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just
don't have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy
her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into
jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept
falling out.

I couldn't repair my brakes, so I made my horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person
wondering what the hell happened.

[Wiggo's-sister]

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so
proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in
spite of her objections.

One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go
home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He
shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a
burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one
of the men stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular
Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the
standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped his hands with a
deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever
sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to his freedom. Only the gentle lapping
of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their
circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had
been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're
going to have to pee in the boat."

[Bern]

The FBI issued a warning, in a Lancaster County, Pennsylvania newspaper, that they suspect a terrorist may be hiding in the Amish community here. This photo provided the first clue that triggered the investigation.

[Wiggo's-sister]

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the
gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these
years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to
do is ask.'

The cat says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor
family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.'
God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy
pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic
accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the
gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've
been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms.
If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we
wouldn't have to run anymore.'

God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse
is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how
the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new
pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you
doing? Are you happy here?'

The cat yawns and stretches and says...'Oh, I've never
been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels
you've been sending over are the best!'