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LOL :laugh:
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Two guys are in a bar. Suddenly the first guy says, "hey i bet i
can jump off that bridge, float for a few seconds, then safely climb
back onto the bridge." the secod guy says, "really? that's amazing."
So both guys go outside to the edge of the bridge and the first guy
says, "now, watch and learn."
and with that, he jumps of the bridge, floats there in midair for a
few minutes, then climbs safely back on the bridge. he tells
the first guy, "See? i'm back on the bridge in one piece. now let's
see you do that."
So the second guy jumps off the bridge. but instead of floating in
midair, like the first guy, he falls to his death. the first guy walks
back into the bar and orders another beer. the bartender looks at him,
shakes his head, and says, "Superman, you're mean when you're drunk!"Comment
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Due to increasing products liability litigation, American Liquor
Manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following
Warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol
containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your UNDERWEAR .
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not. (This would be me, although I rarely whisper!)
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-
lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible or, worse, bulletproof.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-
space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may Mack you tink you can tipe real
godeComment
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Boudreaux was sitting quietly eating cracklin when his wife
snuck up behind him and hit him on the head with an iron skillet.
Why you do dat, huh!!?" screamed Boudreaux.
"Dat's for dat piece of paper in you pocket with the name
"Marylou" wrote on it," she replied.
Boudreaux explained, "Two weeks ago when I went to dat track,
Marylou she was the horse wot I bet on!" Ms. Boudreaux seemed satisfied
and remorseful, apologized, and went off to work around the house.
Three days later he was again sitting in his chair eating
boudin this time. "SMACK"! Ms. Boudreaux nailed him with a gumbo pot,
knocking him out cold. When Boudreax came to, he said, "Wot the hell was
dat for?"
"Your horse is on the phone."Comment
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If you want someone who will do anything to please
you, get a dog.
If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper
without tearing through it first for the sports
page, get a dog.
If you want someone who'll make a total fool of
himself because he's so glad to see you, get a dog.
If you want someone who eats whatever you put in
front of him and never says his mother made it better,
get a dog.
If you want someone who's always eager to go out any
time you ask and anywhere you want to go, get a dog.
If you want someone who can scare away burglars
without waving a lethal weapon around, endangering you
and all the neighbors, get a dog.
If you want someone who never touches the remote,
couldn't care less about Monday Night Football, and
watches dramatic movies with you as long as you want,
get a dog.
If you want someone who'll be content just to snuggle
up and keep you warm in bed, and who you can kick out
of bed if he slobbers and snores, get a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes anything
you do, doesn't care how good or bad you look, acts as
though every word you say is worth hearing, never
complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time,
get a dog!
On the other hand...
If you want someone who never comes when you call
him, totally ignores you when you walk in the room,
leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you,
prowls around all night and come home only to eat and
sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only
to see that HE's happy...
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:)
:(
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Get a CAT!Comment
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Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about
who was better on his computer. They had been going at
it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the
bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to
set up a test which will take two hours and I will
judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and
typed away.
They moused.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail.
They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports.
They made cards.
They did every known job.
But, ten minutes before1 the time was up, lightning
suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the
rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed in every
curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of
them restarted their computers. Satan started
searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's
all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all
his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this
and became even more irate.
"Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!"
(You'll love the punch line....)
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God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves"Comment
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Why did the blonde have bruises around her belly
button?
Because her boyfriend was blonde too!
Comment
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Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A: A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 kilos.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and *****.
Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A: Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q: A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in sixth grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your Mom.
Q: How do you know when you're really ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
A: Her navel.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A Bingo Machine.
Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people could have sex too.
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: What three two-letter words mean small?
A: "Is It In?"
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q: What do toilets, a birthday, and an anniversary have in common?
A: Men miss them all.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: Why aren't there any Aboriginals on Star Trek?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q: What's the difference between a Japanese zoo, and an Australian zoo?
A: Japanese zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.
<center>:cheers:</center>Comment
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Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night
Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of
us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male
dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill
and stuck it to his butt cheek! Not to be outdone,
another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the
guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to
his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third
friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over,
and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things
are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of
his butt cheeks, again.
My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are
going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's
attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on
to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I
reached for my wallet. What could I do? Then the
woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped
it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the 80 bucks,
and went home.Comment
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IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an
8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a
6X6 cubicle.
IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you
have to pay for it.
IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors
for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and
open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing
games.
IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees
on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to
visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers
with no work required.
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to
work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to
pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars
wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting
to get out and go inside bars.
So why is it, again, that we work?Comment
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i don't remember seeing this one, so here ya go!
"Why Sheep Are Better Than Women"
1. Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.
2. You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.
3. Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.
4. Cottonmouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.
5. Nuttin' beats mutton.
6. Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.
7. Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early.
8. Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.
9. Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them.Comment
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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding
anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been
the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was
inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy
marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the
man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down
to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn't gone too far when my WIFE'S mule stumbled.
"My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'
"We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled
again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's
twice.'
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a
third time. My wife took a pistol from her pocket and
shot him.
"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule
when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's onceComment
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Ten times when using the "f" word was probably
acceptable --
10. "What the @#$% was that?"-Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -Pythagoras,
126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" -Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -
Bill Clinton, 1999
AND
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing
mad." -Osama bin Laden, 2001Comment
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Almost 150 years. ago, President Lincoln found it
necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan
Pinkerton - for protection. That was the beginning of
the Secret Service. Since that time federal police
authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter
agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc. Now
comes the "Federal Air Transportation Airport
Security Service." Can't you see them now, these
highly trained men and women in their black outfits
with their initials in large white letters across
their backs: "******." I feel safer already.Comment
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Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the
time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old.
"When you're seventy, you can't even have a bowel
movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you
sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the
worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-
old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee
like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement ?"
"No, I go every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let
me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00
and have a bowel movement every morning at 6:30. So
what's so tough about being 80?"
The 80-year-old replied, "I don't wake up until
7:00."Comment
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