Jokes.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Super-Woman
===========

A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another
woman.
With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs,
out the back door, and into the tool shed in the backyard
and put his ***** in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the
handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to
cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's
hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever
you have to."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Tea with the Queen
==================

While visiting England, Bill Clinton is invited to
tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership
philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself
with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if
they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says
the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony
Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer
this question: "Your mother has a child, and your
father has a child, and this child is not your
brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the
Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr.
Clinton?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using
that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better
put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations
Committee to the test.

He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says,
"Senator Helms, I wonder if you'd mind answering a
question for me?"

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a
child, and this child is not your brother or your
sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think
about it and get back to you?"

Clinton agrees and Helms leaves. Helms immediately
calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators,
and they puzzle over the question for several hours,
but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in
desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State
Department and explains his problem. "Now look here,
son, your mother has a child, and your father has a
child, and this child is not your brother or your
sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you
idiot."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House
and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it
is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Clinton replies in disgust, "Wrong, Senator.
It's Tony Blair."

[Wiggo's-sister]

I AM A FATHER
=============

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a
priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't
wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and
answered, "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4
girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way. The
priest getting impatient said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went
back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned over and
said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your
collar."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Dear IRS
========

There was a man who computed his taxes for 2001 and
discovered that he owed $3407. He packaged up his
payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 2001 Tax Return & payment. Please take
note of the attached article from the USA Today
newspaper.

In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is
paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00
for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400)
and six hammers (value $1029).

This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please
note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the
"Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my
return. Might I suggest you send the above mentioned
fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD
paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year,
and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A SATISFIED TAX PAYER

[Wiggo's-sister]

Arthur Davidson died...
=======================

The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle
Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told
Arthur,

"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed
the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in
Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to
hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to

God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God
said, "Ah, yes." "Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional,
youbhave some major design flaws in your invention:

1.. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2.. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3.. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4.. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,

5.. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God
said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding
my invention than yours.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Christian Pet
=============

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an
equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a
dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch
the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look
up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with
dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and
went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their
new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the
dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was
able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped
the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

Well, they said, "let's try this out."

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced
the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's
forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

[Fred]

[Wiggo's-sister]

Does that mean you didn't like the jokes Fred or are you just trying out the smiley's?

[Wiggo]

<center>A Night Out</center>

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.

He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo]

<center>Brothers</center>

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of ******ss and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the day when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo]

<center>Drunk at the Fair</center>

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle.

The drunk wandered off into the crowd. An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.

"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"

The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. "Yes Sir!" , he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware"

"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those delicious crusty meat pies".
<center>:cheers:</center>

[Wiggo's-sister]

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, and then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth; first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get that damned jar open."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

[Wiggo's-sister]

[submitter's note: my brother-in-law is a world-class spam fighter, and he sent this along for my amusement. I'm sharing it with his permission.]
The government just ordered all ISPs in China to start monitoring email for subversive phrases and the like, so I started replying to Chinese spam with little replies of the form at the end of this spam. Might be a useful tactic on companies who think that unsolicited email is "just regular advertising."

Bill


"Jack(export manager)" wrote:
>
> Dear Sir
> How are you .
>
> We are a lighting factory in China ,It is glad
> to introduce ourselves to you:
>
> I am XUBIN (Jack) , XUBIN is my chinese name , you can just
> call me Jack !! , I am export manager of [deleted] ,
> China, our group have four factory
[snipped]
>
> Here is our company profile :
>


[Rest of sales talk snipped]




(And now, the reply)
Thank you for your coded order. The weapons and ammunition will ship by way of the usual route in ten days, and you already know our secret Swiss bank account number to wire the payment to.

It is a pleasure doing business with you for so long, and I hope your cause will prevail. I am new to this particular computer, so I hope the encryption is working and the monitoring authorities cannot read what I am sending you.

Long live the Falun Gong! Free Tibet!

Best regards, Your arms supplier

[Wiggo]

<center>Loving Wife</center>

I ran into Bill at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience." he replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief.

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"
<center>:cheers:</center>