Jokes.

[belveder]

Tips for Husbands


DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Saddam Hussein's family
=======================

Now that Uday & Ousay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known
family members are coming to the attention of the American authorities.

Among the *brothers*:

Sooflay......................the restauranteur
Guday........................the half-Australianbrother
Huray....................... the sports fanatic
Bejay........................the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay..............the twins from the African mother
Ojay.........................the stalker/murderer
Biliray......................the country music star
Ecksray......................the radiologist
Puray........................the blender factory owner
Tupay........................the one with bad hair
Chevrolay....................the car dealer
Ofay.........................the white guy
Belay........................the ship captain
Otay.........................Mr. Robinson's neighbor
Delay........................the Congressman
Johnnieray...................the crooner
Friscobay....................the California guy
Okay.........................the guy who greenlights projects
Noway........................the pessimist
Ebay.........................the auctioneer
Rumbay.......................the dancer with the strong aftershave
Decay........................the dentist
Tooday.......................the host of NBC's morning show
Megay........................the closeted guy
Yoogay.......................his companion
Bengay.......................the pharmaceutical salesman
Itsmay.......................organizer of the parade in Moscow

Among the *sisters*:

Bufay........................the vampire slayer
Dooshay......................the clean sister
Sapheway.....................the grocery store owner
Oivay........................the one who lives in Tel aviv
Gudlay.......................the prostitute

[asklepios]

Bush: If you had a choice of how you'd like to be executed, what would you chose?
Saddam: Death by my WMD
Bush: But your WMD don't exist!?!?!?
Saddam: Precisely :p

[belveder]

Most Memorable Quotes of 2003

"Why can't you share your bed? The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone."
-- Michael Jackson in Martin Bashir's documentary, on having young boys sleep over in his bedroom.

"You don't get over something like what she thought they had, even if the guy is possibly a murderer."
-- A friend of Amber Frey explaining why Frey kept talking to her paramour, Scott Peterson, even after his pregnant wife, Laci, went missing.

"I fooled some of the most brilliant people in journalism."
-- Former New York Times reporter Jayson Blair.

"The enemy that we're fighting is different from the one we'd war-gamed."
-- U.S. Army Lt. Gen. William S. Wallace in March.

"God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Iraqis."
-- Former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf as American forces neared Baghdad.

"I made it fun. I said it was going to be gross and I was going to have to make myself throw up, but it was going to be OK."
-- Courtney Love on how she explained her October drug overdose to her 11-year-old daughter, Francis.

"I want to kill him. I want his intestines on a stick. . . . I want to kill his dog."
-- Mel Gibson's response to New York Times writer Frank Rich's criticism of "The Passion," Gibson's movie about the life of Jesus.

"Liars get cancer."
-- Rosie O'Donnell to a Gruner & Jahr executive (who was a cancer survivor), as quoted in testimony in her 2003 trial.

"Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna. But it says chicken. By the sea."
-- Performer J Jessica Simpson.

"[We] need to set definite boundaries on our appetites."
-- From "The Book of Virtues" by former education secretary William Bennett, who admitted in 2003 that he had gambled extensively for years.

"I feel sad, which is not a typical emotion for me."
-- Businesswoman Martha Stewart.

"But it goes to show why this kid has failed the driver's test four times."
-- Stasys Meliunas, chief of police in the town of Rokiskis, Lithuania, where a teen hit-and-run driver discovered the pedestrian he had knocked down was still under the car when he got home.

"It's the most difficult [decision] I've made in my entire life, except the one I made in 1978 when I decided to get a bikini wax."
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger on his decision to run for governor.

"I don't understand how they can call me anti-Latino, when I've made four movies in Mexico." -- Arnold on the campaign trail in 2003.

"You gotta shake it like a Polaroid picture."
-- Wesley Clark, showing off his mad skillz by quoting OutKast lyrics to Bowdoin College students.

"There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know."
-- Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld during a Pentagon press conference.

[Wiggo's-sister]

"What the . . . "
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from
someone, and our computers were facing away from each other.

A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room.

I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the
keyboards.

She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed
look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she
typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything.

By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher
said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I
didn't do anything to it, I swear!"

It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The
conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing
five minutes. Me: "Don't touch me!" Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to hit your keys that hard." Me: "Who do you think you are
anyway?!" Etc.

Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my
chair laughing. After they had realised what I had done, they both
turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

[lionofjudah]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and you didn't hear anything."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The lady returns the following week.
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly."
"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."


:flames:

[E^vol]

A computer programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket."
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Useful Military Warnings

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket
Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S.
Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's
left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you
just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry
Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col.
David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an
ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown
Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your
Buddies

(And lastly)

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -
U.S. Ammo Troop

[Wiggo's-sister]

Lucky is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas.
Eventually, he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a
quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He finds
a stall that happens to be open and pockets the quarter.

Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter
in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and
goes to the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a
million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Lucky goes on the lecture
circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his
audiences that he will always be eternally grateful to his
benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune
with him.

After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and
says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter."

"Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm looking for.
I mean the guy who left the door open!"

[dryadsoul]

Gynecologist Appointment

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[SmokeyTheBalrog]

[Wiggo's-sister]

Curtains
========

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains...

Doctor: Pull yourself together.
"boom boom" :rolleyes2
------------------------------------------------------------
Who said that?
==============

One day a guy went to a bar. There wasn't too many people there at
that time. He ordered a drink. He heard someone saying: 'nice pants.'
He looked around and no one was near him. Later on he ordered another
drink, and he heared someone again saying: 'nice shirt.' Again he
looked around and no one was near. It was time for the bar to close
and it was just him and the bartender. The man heard: 'nice hat.'
Seeing that it was jsut him and the bartender, he figured that it was
he who was saying all of these things. He asked, 'are you the one
saying all of these nice things to me?' The bartender turned around
and said, 'No, but you must be talking about the peanuts...they're
complimentary.'

[Fieldgenerator]

that was a lolli-stick joke.
Hers another crap one.

Why did the chicken not cross the road:
To avoid the chicken shagger.....

[dryadsoul]

Teach your Children:

A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support G.W. Bush. Everyone raises their hands except one little girl.

"Mary", says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Republican", says Mary.

"Well, what are you?" asks the teacher.

"I'm a Democrat and proud of it", replies the girl.

"And why is that Mary?", the teacher asks.

"My ma & pa are Democrats, so I am too." she responds.

"Well", says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your parents were both criminals, what would you be then?"

"Then", Mary smiled, "then we'd be Republicans!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

The Test
========

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his
wife's test results. The insurance clerk says to him,
"I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up
and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from
your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs.
Smith were sent at the same time and we are now
uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, the
situation is either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's
and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS.
We can't tell which is your wife."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO and they won't
pay for these expensive tests more than once in a
year, so we can't repeat the test until next year."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off on the
outskirts of town ........ If she remembers the way
home, don't sleep with her."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Burglary
========

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary
tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window
and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not
himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the
whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic,
I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's
imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he
chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance
he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench,
and walked out.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Given It Up
==========

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty
and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave
you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead,
I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing
that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like
who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."