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  • Jokes.

    A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near the outback. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. So he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause,and then put his head next to the cow's bum. The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "What the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to
    welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after
    hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass,and drinking it, and then today,you have your head so close to that cow's bum,it could just about **** on you."
    The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry Sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs."
    "What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."
    "Yes they are", replied the Chinese man,
    "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian,
    I must Chase Chicks, Drink Piss, and listen to bull-****.


  • #2
    ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOL!!!!!
    At the request of wiggo ;)


    • #3
      lol, goodo wiggo :D
      TweakTown [email protected] Team


      • #4
        Just thought that I'd start it before the women did. ;)


        • #5
          hmmm - speaking of women our ratio in here is the best ever atm


          • #6
            hehe, yeah where r the women?
            At the request of wiggo ;)


            • #7
              Alex is here, thats all we need


              • #8

                alex is one strange gurl
                TT Original


                • #9
                  That's ok guy's as the missus and sis are back in now. ;)


                  • #10
                    Now back on topic. :D

                    Why were proud to be Aussies.

                    1) Only in Australia... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

                    2) Only in Australia... is "you awake" the standard concept of foreplay.

                    3) Only in Australia... do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their Panadol's etc while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

                    4) Only in Australia... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries...and a Diet Coke.

                    5) Only in Australia... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counter.

                    6) Only in Australia... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway, and store our junk in the garage.
                    7) Only in Australia... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

                    8) Only in Australia... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process of Government. "Poli" (poly)in Latin meaning "many" and, "tics" meaning "blood sucking creatures".

                    9) Only in Australia... do we live by the saying "you're never too pissed if you can still find the floor".



                    • #11
                      Better Sex
                      An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to
                      last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was
                      concerned that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor
                      for advice.

                      The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer
                      during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try

                      He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He
                      couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was
                      too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

                      Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his
                      truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath
                      as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid
                      his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of
                      his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom
                      of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he
                      kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

                      He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"

                      The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

                      The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck
                      rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."


                      • #12
                        Dear Tech Support:

                        Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making
                        unexpected changes to the accounting software,
                        severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and
                        jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under
                        Boyfriend 5.0.

                        No mention of this phenomenon was included in the
                        product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls
                        many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing
                        7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs
                        new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3,
                        SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere

                        Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes
                        the system. Under no circumstances will it run
                        DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried
                        running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all
                        purpose utility is of limited effectiveness.

                        Can you help please ?!!!!


                        Dear Jane:

                        This is a very common problem women complain about, but
                        is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people
                        upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea
                        that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.

                        However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was
                        designed by its creator to run as few applications as
                        possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and
                        return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not
                        designed to do this.

                        Hidden operating files within your system would cause
                        Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is
                        gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or
                        purge the program files from the system, once

                        Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I would suggest
                        you read the entire section regarding General
                        Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature
                        of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent
                        company as an integral part of the operating system.
                        Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL
                        faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To
                        activate this great feature enter the command "C:\I
                        THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME"

                        Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while
                        entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the
                        applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
                        TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse
                        can create additional and more serious GPFs, and
                        ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\APOLOGIZE
                        command before the system will return to normal
                        operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to
                        default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0.

                        Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0
                        to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files
                        that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some
                        trouble by following this tech tip!

                        Just remember, the system will run smoothly and take
                        the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine
                        feature it can only intermittently run all the
                        applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great
                        program, but it does have limited memory and cannot
                        learn new applications quickly.

                        Consider buying additional software to improve
                        performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0,
                        Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction,
                        these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0
                        running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband
                        1.0 will become familiar and you will find many
                        valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings
                        2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

                        A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any
                        circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a
                        supported application, and will cause selective shut
                        down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run
                        only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 or Golfing 2.3 until
                        MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

                        I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing
                        to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish
                        you the best of luck in coming years. "We trust you
                        will learn to fully enjoy this product!


                        • #13
                          What She Really Means
                          The Men's ultimate Guide to what a woman really means when she says something. Pay close attention (there might be a quiz later).

                          You want = You want
                          We need = I want
                          It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
                          Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
                          We need to talk = I need to complain.
                          Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
                          I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
                          You' manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
                          I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
                          Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
                          This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
                          I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
                          I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
                          Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
                          I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
                          Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
                          How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
                          I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
                          Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
                          You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
                          Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
                          I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
                          I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
                          All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OH MY those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?


                          • #14
                            The Ventriloquist

                            An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks
                            into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch
                            patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

                            Ventriloquist: "Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

                            New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

                            Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

                            Dog: "Doin' alright."

                            The New Zealander is shocked!

                            Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" pointing at the New Zealander.

                            Dog: "Yep"

                            Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

                            Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
                            and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

                            The New Zealander can't believe his ears!

                            Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

                            New Zealander: "Horse doesn't talk either."

                            Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

                            Horse: "No worries."

                            The New Zealander's mouth is agape.

                            Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the New Zealander?

                            Horse: "Yep"

                            Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

                            Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
                            brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect
                            me from the elements."

                            The New Zealander is TOTALLY amazed!

                            Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

                            New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar."


                            • #15
                              Three guys - a Tasmanian, a Queenslander (or "One Nationer") and a Victorian - are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
                              "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the
                              genie. The Tasmanian says, "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."

                              With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' the oceans were teaming with fish. The One Nationer was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Queensland, so that we can run our own State how we feel, and no hippie southerner can tell us what to do. I want it so nothing and no-one will get in for all eternity."

                              Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Queensland.

                              The Victorian asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

                              The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

                              The Victorian says, "Fill it up with water."