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  • John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. 'He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted a laxative and told him to take it all at once' John explained. 'Laxatives won't cure a cough' Bob shouted angrily. 'Sure it will' John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. 'Look at him. He's afraid to cough.'

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    • fter the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it. The guy from ******ss sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.' The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't you drinking a ******ss?' The ******ss president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.'

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      • The finalist has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has been named... MR. POTATO HEAD. He's tan. He's cute. He knows the importance of accessorizing. And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

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        • How to Change Your Oil
          Women:
          1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube 3000 miles after the last oil change.
          2. Drink a cup of coffee.
          3. Fifteen minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.


          Men:
          1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
          2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
          3. Open a beer and drink it.
          4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
          5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
          6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
          7. Place drain pan under engine.
          8. Look for 13mm box end wrench.
          9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
          10. Unscrew drain plug.
          11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on hand in the process.
          12. Clean up.
          13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
          14. Look for oil filter wrench.
          15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips head screwdriver and twist it off.
          16. Beer.
          17. Buddy shows up. Finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
          18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car, dump in hole in back yard.
          19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during steps 11, 15, & 18.
          20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
          21. Walk to 7-11 and buy beer.
          22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
          23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
          24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
          25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Pan is empty. Find drain plug in back yard hole.
          26. Hurry to replace drain plug as last drop of fresh oil drains onto floor.
          27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
          28. Bang head on bumper in reaction.
          29. Begin cussing fit.
          30. Throw wrench.
          31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1982) in the left boob.
          32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
          33. Beer.
          34. Beer.
          35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
          36. Beer.
          37. Lower car from jack stands.
          38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
          39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 26.
          40. Drive car a quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be time for another oil change.

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          • A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, 'You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!'

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            • HAHAH nice one KAY!!!

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              • A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. 'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes.' Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life. Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures - 25 cents.' 'Why not,' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured. The next machine had a huge sign that read, 'This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents.' The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his ***** into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his ***** which now had a button sewed on the tip.

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                • This one is better!! You now more?

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                  • mmmmmmmmmmmmm..........maybe ;)

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                    • Originally posted by Kay
                      mmmmmmmmmmmmm..........maybe ;)
                      Tell!!!!!

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                      • Ok, just one more before bed then.............

                        This past New Year's Eve, when a couple of friends and I were enjoying ourselves just before midnight at a local bar, a girl in the bar stood up and announced that it was time to get ready for the celebrations. She told everybody that at the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was rather embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

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                        • Dave was talking to his buddy, John, about his love life.
                          'So, John, how's it going with the ladies?'
                          'Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects.'
                          'Really?'
                          'Yep,' John shook his head, 'Whenever I mention sex, they object.'

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                          • A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
                            'Listen,' says the Doc, 'I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone.
                            Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.'
                            Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. 'Doc! I took your advice and it works! It really works! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the first time anyone has ever helped me!'
                            'Well,' says the physician, 'I'm glad I could help.'
                            'By the way, Doc,' the patient adds, 'You have a really nice house.'

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                            • Translations
                              'I'M GOING FISHING'
                              Translated: 'I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.'
                              'IT'S A GUY THING'
                              Translated: 'There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical'.
                              'CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?'
                              Translated: 'Why isn't it already on the table?'
                              'UH HUH', 'SURE, HONEY', OR 'YES, DEAR'
                              Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
                              'IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN'
                              Translated: 'I have no idea how it works.'
                              'TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD'.
                              Translated: 'I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.'
                              'THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR.'
                              Translated: 'Are you still talking?'
                              'YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.'
                              Translated: 'I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.'
                              'I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES'.
                              Translated: 'The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.'
                              'OH, DON'T FUSS.* I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.'
                              Translated: 'I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.'
                              'HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING'.
                              Translated: 'And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.'
                              'I CAN'T FIND IT.'
                              Translated: 'It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.'
                              'WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?'
                              Translated: 'What did you catch me at?'
                              'I HEARD YOU.'
                              Translated: 'I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.'
                              'YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.'
                              Translated: 'I am used to the way you yell at me, and realise it could be worse.
                              'YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.'
                              Translated: 'Oh, Gosh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.'
                              'I'M NOT LOST.* I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.'
                              Translated: 'No one will ever see us alive again.'

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                              • An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
                                When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
                                Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, 'Where are you going?'
                                He replied, 'To the kitchen.'
                                She asked, 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
                                He replied, 'Sure.'
                                She then asked him, 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?'
                                He said, 'No, I can remember that.'
                                She then said, 'Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that.'
                                He said, 'I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
                                She replied, 'Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.'
                                With irritation in his voice, he said, 'I don't need to write that down! I can remember that.' He then fumes into the kitchen.
                                After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:'I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!'

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