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  • #76
    An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife, they stay in a 5 star
    hotel and hire a Limo for the day. While driving along the road, his
    wife asks,
    'Look! What is that man doing with that kangaroo?'
    The man says, 'My God! Don't look, it's disgusting!'
    Further down the road the wife says, 'Look, another one!' and
    husband says, 'Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to
    the hotel.'
    They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden
    leg having a wank on the steps of the hotel. The husband charges in
    and says, 'Look we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5
    star hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we
    come across a drover in copulation with a kangaroo. Further on,
    recurrence of the same thing. Then we get back here only
    to find a man with one leg, one wooden leg, masturbating on your
    steps. Well, what do you have to say about that!?'
    The manager says, 'S'truth mate, you expect a man with one wooden
    leg to catch his own kangaroo?'


    • #77
      An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of
      golf and their wives went along as caddies. While walking
      around the course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in
      a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the
      ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she
      wasn't wearing any knickers!
      The Englishman was livid and he angrily demanded a reason
      for her state of undress.
      "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance
      I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
      The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said,
      "Here's ten pounds. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get
      some knickers."
      Two holes further along, the Irishman's wife caught her foot
      on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground.
      Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she
      wasn't wearing any knickers either!
      The Irishman was livid and he angrily demanded a reason
      for her state of undress.
      "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance
      I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
      With that, the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and
      said, "Here's five pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some
      Three holes further on, the Scotsman's wife caught her foot
      on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt
      over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers!
      The Scotsman was livid and he angrily demanded a reason
      for her state of undress.
      "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance
      I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
      The Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said,
      "Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a


      • #78
        A Kiwi (ie New-Zealander), a sheep, and a dog were
        survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
        They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there
        awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to
        watch the sun go down.
        One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful
        cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for
        romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better
        to the kiwi.
        Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog
        got jealous, growling fiercely until the kiwi took his arm from around the
        sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
        together, but there was no more cuddling.
        A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was
        another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the
        most beautiful woman the kiwi had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way
        when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
        When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their
        evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus
        clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
        Pretty soon, the kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He fought
        them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, cautiously
        leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear..."Would you
        mind taking the dog for a walk?"


        • #79
          KIWI-ESE.....An Introductory Language Lesson
          Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what they're saying, just by following these easy steps,you too can hold a conversation with a New Zealander.
          What you hear and What it really means:
          A MEDGEN: Visualise, Conjure up mentally, John Lennon's first solo Album "Imagine" as it was a Bug Hut in the "Land of the Long White Cloud"
          BETTING: "Betting Gloves" are worn by "Betsmen" in "Crucket"
          BRIST: Part of the human anatomy between the "Nick" and the "Billy"
          BUGGER: As in "Mine is bugger then yours"
          CHULLY BUN: "Chilly Bin" also known as an ESKY.
          COME YOUSE: Controversial captain of the Australian Cricket team resigned tearfully in favour of Allan Border. "Come" insisted that all deliveries be overarm. Full Name: Kimberley John Hughes.
          DIMMER KRETZ: Those who believe in Democracy.
          ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like "Surria", "E-Jupp" & "Libernon"
          EKKA DYMOCKS: University Staff
          GUESS: Flammable vapour used in stoves
          CHICK OUT CHUCKS: Supermarket point of sale operators.
          SENDLES: Sandals, Thongs & open shoes.
          COLOUR: Terminator; violent forecloser of human life.
          CUSS: Kiss
          DUCK HID: Term of abuse directed mainly at Males.
          PHAR LAP: NZ's famous horse christened "Phillip" but was incorrectly written down as "Phar Lap" by an Australian (Racing official who was not well versed in KIWIESE)
          DUNNESTY: US Television soap opera starred Joan Collins as "Elixirs Kerrungton"
          ERROR ROUTE: Arnott's famous oval shaped "mulk error route buskets"
          FITTER CHENEY: A type of long flat pasta, not to be confused with "Rugger Tony" or "Tell ya, Tilly".

          Just to be fair here are some translations from English to the
          somewhat limited dialect of Australia known as "Ockerese"
          Friend - Mate
          Wife - Mate
          Dog - Mate
          Someone who's name you can't remember - Mate
          Lunch - XXXX
          a romantic dinner for 2 - a barbie
          a romantic dinner for 200 - a barbie


          • #80
            We got off the Titanic first.
            We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
            We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we crash our computers.
            Our boy friend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
            We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
            We can cry and get off speeding fines.
            We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
            Taxis stop for us.
            Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
            We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
            Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies (you get the point).
            We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE are gay. We know The Truth about whether size matters.
            New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
            If we have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, we're not the devil.
            Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex. If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.
            Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep (Ouch!).
            It's possible to live our whole lives without taking a group shower.
            No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.
            We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
            If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being emotionally neglected.
            If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
            We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
            If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
            We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
            If we're dumb, some people will still find it cute.
            We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to socially fit in.
            We have the ability to dress ourselves - and coordinate.
            We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
            Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
            There are times when chocolate really can solve your problems. Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
            We'll never regret piercing our ears.
            We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
            We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
            When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
            We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
            If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.


            • #81
              A guy travelling through the prairies of the USA stopped
              at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end
              of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.

              As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing
              smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into
              the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him
              and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your
              face in!"


              • #82
                A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and
                dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

                As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he
                was doing.

                The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into
                retrieve it."

                The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over

                The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S.
                and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!

                The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things
                here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC
                Three-Kick Rule."

                The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"

                The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me
                three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

                The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
                he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local

                The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city
                feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee
                lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the
                man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's
                third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

                The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet
                and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

                The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have
                the duck."


                • #83
                  One day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his chicken farming. In order to do this he would need a stud rooster. He asked around his fellow farmers and the general consensus was that the best rooster was from a far away town. His name was Randy. The farmer went to this far away town and met with Randy's owner. The owner confirmed that Randy was indeed the best, but would come at an expensive price.
                  After much deliberation, the farmer decided to invest in Randy. When the farmer got home, he sat down with Randy and explained what he needed and reinforced the great expense he went through to obtain Randy. He told him that while he expected Randy to perform, he also expected Randy to pace himself.
                  The farmer released Randy in the hen house and Randy went wild. Feathers where flying and Randy was servicing every hen in the house. The farmer reiterated to Randy the necessity of pace.
                  The next day, Randy not only went flying through the hen house, but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a fox and several other accessible animals. The farmer was outraged. 'Randy' he said, 'You can't possibly last at this pace.' 'Slow down, I need you for a long time.'
                  Well, the next day, the inevitable happened. Randy was lying in the field looking like death was soon coming. Buzzards were circling around and slowly getting closer. The farmer watched his investment slowly dying. He dragged himself up to Randy and said 'How could you?' 'I asked you to pace yourself, I told you how important you were.' Slowly, Randy opened one eye and said 'Shh, they're getting closer.'


                  • #84
                    There was this guy who owned a very fast motorcycle. His friends would always tell him, that because he only had one good eye (the other being a glass eye) that if he didn't slow down when he rides his motorcycle, he would someday be involved in a serious accident. But the friends' warnings were to no avail.
                    One day he did get into a terrible accident out on a lonely rarely used stretch of highway. The driver and his passenger were both eye doctors.
                    There was no one around when the accident happened. So one turned to the other and said, 'He just seems to be knocked out cold.' They checked the cyclist over and he seemed alright, except he had excessive damage to his eye.
                    The driver then said to his friend, 'Why don't we take him to our eye clinic, fix his eye, and then put him and the motorcycle back where the accident happened. We put him near to a tree, so that no one will think that anyone else was involved in the accident.' So they did just that.
                    The next day, the local newspaper reported the accident. The headline read, 'Mysterious Auto Accident Involving Cyclist with Two Glass Eyes.'


                    • #85
                      An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
                      The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, 'Yahoo!' and rode off.
                      'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service station attendant. 'Nothing,' shrugged the woman, ' I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'
                      'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians ride bareback........'


                      • #86
                        AUSSIE LOVE POEM

                        OF COURSE I LOVE YA DARLING
                        YOUR A BLOODY TOP NOTCH BIRD
                        AND WHEN I SAY UR GORGEOUS
                        I MEAN EVERY SINGLE WORD

                        SO YA BUM IS ON THE BIG SIDE
                        I DONT MIND A BIT OF FLAB
                        IT MEANS THAT WHEN I'M READY
                        THERES SOMETHIN THERE TO GRAB

                        SO YOUR BELLY ISNT FLAT NO MORE
                        I TELL YA, I DONT CARE
                        SO LONG AS WHEN I CUDDLE YA
                        I CAN GET MY ARMS AROUND THERE

                        NO SHEILA WHO IS YOUR AGE
                        HAS NICE ROUND PERKY BREASTS
                        THEY JUST GAVE INTO GRAVITY
                        BUT I KNOW YA DID YA BEST

                        IM TELLIN YA THE TRUTH NOW
                        I NEVER TELL YA LIES
                        I THINK ITS VERY SEXY
                        THAT YOUV GOT DIMPLES ON YA THIGHS

                        I SWEAR ON ME NANNAS GRAVE NOW
                        THE MOMENT THAT WE MET
                        I THOUGHT U WAS AS GOOD AS
                        I WAS EVER GONNA GET

                        NO MATTER WOT U LOOK LIKE
                        ILL ALWAYS LOVE YA DEAR
                        NOW SHUT UP WHILE THE FOOTYS ON
                        AND GET ME ANOTHER BEER


                        • #87
                          Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, 'We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.'
                          The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, 'Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?' The old man replied, 'No problem at all, Pastor.' 'Congratulations! Welcome to the church!' said the pastor.
                          The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, 'Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?' The man replied, 'The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it.' 'Congratulations! Welcome to the church!' said the pastor.
                          The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, 'Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?'
                          'No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,' the young man replied sadly. 'What happened?' inquired the pastor.
                          'My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.'
                          'You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,' stated the pastor. 'We know,' said the young man, 'We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either.'


                          • #88
                            A Texan farmer goes to Australia on vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, 'Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!'
                            They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately replies, 'We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.'
                            The conversation has died down when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie, 'What are those?'
                            The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, 'Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?'


                            • #89
                              I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife
                              had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man
                              sitting there, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of
                              twins!" The man replied, "How about that! I work for the Minnesota
                              Twins baseball team."

                              About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and
                              announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood
                              up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!"
                              When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his w
                              ife had given birth to quadruplets. "That's amazing! I work for
                              the Four Seasons Hotel!"

                              At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little
                              strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When
                              I asked him if he was okay, he explained, "I think I need a
                              breath of fresh air." The man continued, "
                              I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians."


                              • #90
                                A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer
                                standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the
                                car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is
                                just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

                                The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer
                                and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

                                The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

                                "How?" asks the man, puzzled.

                                "Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out
                                standing in their field."