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  • #61
    A French woman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male.

    'What is that?' asked the child pointing to the *****.

    'Nothing, nothing at all, cherie,' replied the mother.

    'I want one,' said the child.

    The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.

    'I want one just like that,' she kept repeating.

    At last the mother said, 'if you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one.'

    'And if I'm bad?' asked the little one.

    'Then,' sighed the mother, 'you will have many.'


    • #62
      An Englishman was recently asked about the differences between
      English and American people.

      He said there were three:

      1. We speak English and you don't.

      2. When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries.

      3. When you meet the Head of State in England, you only have to go down on one knee.


      • #63
        How to speak about women and be politically correct:

        She is not a babe or a chick;
        She is a breasted person.

        She is not a bleached blonde;
        she is peroxide dependent.

        She is not a bad cook;
        she is microwave compatible.

        She does not wear too much jewelry;
        she is metallically overburdened.

        She is not conceited;
        she is intimately aware of her best qualities.

        She does not want to be married;
        she wants to lock you in domestic incarceration.

        She does not gain weight;
        she is a metabolic under-achiever.

        She is not a screamer or a moaner;
        she is vocally appreciative.

        She is not easy;
        she is horizontally accessible.

        She does not tease or flirt;
        she engages in artificial stimulation.

        She is not dumb;
        she is a detour off the information super-highway.

        She is not too skinny;
        she is skeletally prominent.

        She does not have a moustache;
        she is in touch with her masculine side.

        She has not been around;
        she is a previously enjoyed companion.

        She does not wear too much perfume;
        she commits fragrance abuse.

        She does not get you excited;
        she causes temporary blood displacement.

        She is not kinky;
        she is a non-inhibited sexual companion.

        She does not have a killer body;
        she is terminally attractive.

        She does not go shopping;
        she is mall fluent.

        She is not an airhead;
        she is reality impaired.

        She does not get drunk or tipsy;
        she gets chemically inconvenienced.

        She does not get fat or chubby;
        she achieves maximum density.

        She is not cold or frigid;
        she is thermally inaccessible.

        She is not horny;
        she is sexually focused.

        She does not wear too much make-up;
        she has reached cosmetic saturation.

        She does not have breast implants;
        she is gravity resistant.

        She does not nag you;
        she becomes verbally repetitive.

        She is not a slut;
        she is sexually extroverted.

        She is not loose;
        she is morally impaired.

        She does not have major league hooters;
        she is pectorally superior.

        She does not have thin lips;
        she is collagen depleted.


        • #64
          The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing
          her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair
          in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed
          her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved
          slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her,
          hypnotising her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

          He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly
          released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of
          surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare
          flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new
          territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared
          to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his
          ability to satisfy her every need.

          Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that
          had gone unfulfilled for so long.

          And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he
          paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought,

          "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden
          rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for
          her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met
          his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And
          he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes,
          this woman would want more. She would want to do it again
          and again and again............




          • #65
            Sven and Osmond are good friends.

            Each day, they get together after work and have a shot in a local bar.

            This is a tradition that goes on for some time.

            One day, Osmond says to Sven, "Sven, if I die before you, promise me that you will have a shot for me, each day."

            Sven considers this and agrees.

            Well, sure enough, Osmond dies, and sure enough, Sven has an extra shot for him every day after work.

            This goes on for some time, and the waitress is quite familiar with the ritual and the reason.

            One day, Sven comes in and orders one drink. Well, the waitress is shock, and says, "But, Sven, aren't you going to have another drink for your friend, as usual?"

            Sven says, "Well, you see, I joined Alcoholics Anonymous, but I don't think that Osmond should be punished for that."


            • #66
              The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town one dusty, dry, Wild West day and proceed to the first saloon, where they tie up their trusty steeds and head in for a snort.

              After a while a stranger walks into the bar and asks, 'Who owns the white horse tied up outside?'

              The Lone Ranger said, 'Why, that would be mine. Why do you ask?'

              'Because itís collapsed and looks like it's dying,' says the stranger.

              So the Lone Ranger and Tonto head out to check on Silver.

              'He's probably just suffering from the heat,' says the Lone Ranger, who asks Tonto if he could run around Silver for a while to help keep him cool.

              The Lone Ranger returns to the bar and after half an hour another stranger walks in and asks, 'Who owns the white horse outside?'

              The Lone Ranger says, 'That's mine, what's the problem this time?'

              'Oh, no problem,' says the stranger, 'it's just that you've left your injun running.'


              • #67
                If women ruled..

                Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

                PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

                Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

                'Singles' bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

                A man would no longer be considered a `good catch' simply because he is breathing.

                Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 20 kg.

                Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

                Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

                Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

                Little girls would read Snow White and the Seven Hunks.

                Men would bring drinks, chips and dips to women watching soap operas.

                Men would have to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

                Men would learn phrases like: `I'm sorry,' `I love you,' `Sure we can talk. Is now okay?'

                Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

                Men would wonder what WE are thinking.

                Men would pay as much attention to their woman as their computer.

                Road rage would turn in on oneself.

                Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

                Men would divide up chores with women so WOMEN could be horny.

                TV news segments on sport would never run longer than one minute.

                All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

                During mid-life crisis, men would get hot flushes and women would date 19-year-olds.

                Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

                After a baby is born, men would take six weeks paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

                For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two year-old for six weeks.


                • #68
                  Originally posted by Kay
                  Men would pay as much attention to their woman as their computer.
                  Mmmm - Hmmm..........OK:D
                  The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.


                  • #69
                    A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

                    'Grandpa, what are you doing?' he exclaimed.

                    The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

                    'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?'

                    The old man slyly looked at him and said, 'Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea.'


                    • #70
                      Back in the Good Old Days, when Dudley Fudpucker was whooping it up in college, he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of enticing appearance approached him and suggested that they have a drink.

                      Dudley said, "Well, I'm no John D. Rockefeller, but I'll buy."

                      After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance.

                      Dudley smiled and said, "I'm no Fred Astaire, but I'll give it a whirl."

                      Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. "I'm no Cary Grant," replied Dudley, "but I'll follow you up there." They leave and go to the lady's apartment. They have another drink, then do what had been on their minds all evening, anyway.

                      Afterward, the lady says, "What about some money?"

                      Dudley shot back, "Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it!"


                      • #71
                        An Australian cricket fan dies on match day (probably from drinking too much) and goes
                        to heaven in his Australian cricket shirt.
                        He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Saint Peter.
                        'Hello mate,' the Aussie says.
                        'No Australian cricket fans in heaven,' replies Saint Peter.
                        'What?' exclaims the man, astonished.
                        'You heard, no Australian cricket fans.'
                        'But, but, but, I've been a good man,' replies the Aussie.
                        'Oh really,' says Saint Peter. 'What have you done then?'
                        'Well, three weeks before I died I gave $10 to the starving children in Africa.'
                        'Oh,' says Saint Peter, 'anything else?'
                        'Well, two weeks before I died I also gave $10 to the homeless.'
                        'Hmmm, anything else?'
                        'Yeah. A week before I died I gave $10 to the Albanian orphans.'
                        'OK,' said Saint Peter, 'you wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.'
                        Ten minutes pass before Saint Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says,
                        'I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your $30 back, now f*** off.'


                        • #72
                          25 children's books you'll never see:

                          1. You are different and that's bad.

                          2. Pop goes the hamster. . . and other great microwave games.

                          3. Testing homemade parachutes using only your household pets. . .

                          4. Barbar meets the Taxidermist.

                          5. Curious George and the high-voltage fence.

                          6. The boy who died from eating all his vegetables.

                          7. Start a real estate empire with the change from your mum's purse.

                          8. Daddy's new wife Timothy.

                          9. The pop-up book of human anatomy.

                          10. Things rich kids have, but you never will.

                          11. The Care Bears maul some campers and are shot dead.

                          12. How to become the dominant military power in your elementary school.

                          13. Controlling the playground: Respect through fear.

                          14. You were an accident.

                          15. Strangers have the best sweets.

                          16. The Little Sissy who snitched.

                          17. Some kittens can fly!

                          18. Getting more chocolate on your face.

                          19. Kathy was so bad her mum stopped loving her.

                          20. The kids' guide to hitchhiking.

                          21. When Mummy and Daddy don't know the answer, they say God did it.

                          22. Garfield gets feline leukemia.

                          23. Why can't Mr. Fork and Ms Electrical Outlet befriends?

                          24. Bi-curious George.

                          25. Daddy drinks because you cry.


                          • #73
                            A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a
                            nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he
                            noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than
                            his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son,
                            "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is."

                            The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the
                            ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the
                            men have larger members than his dad. His mother
                            replied, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person

                            Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to
                            the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned
                            again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking
                            to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he
                            talks, the dumber he gets."


                            • #74
                              Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man
                              in a three-piece suit.

                              "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

                              "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

                              And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

                              "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young
                              attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

                              "Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

                              But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the
                              other woman's daughter marry him."

                              The wise king did not hesitate a moment. He proclaimed, "The attorney must
                              marry the first lady's daughter."

                              "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

                              "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-


                              • #75
                                There were three people sitting at a bar. An Englishman, a Canadian
                                and an Australian. The Englishman boasted that in England that after 3 beer
                                you get your fourth one free. Not to be out done the Canadian responded
                                that in Canada after your first beer the second was free and after your third
                                beer the fourth was free. The Aussie then in a proud voice said that in
                                Australia the first five beer were free and you get laid after as well.
                                The Canadian and Englishman couldn't believe the Aussie so they asked if it
                                had ever happened to him. After some time the Australian admitted that he
                                hadn't experienced this but assured the Canadian and Englishman that
                                his sister had every weekend that she went out.