No announcement yet.


  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #46
    School Files

    "Tomorrow Helen Henry visits the home of a retired Navy Captain and his wife, an exotic U-shaped structure."

    "LOST: Male cat. Needs medication. Owner very worried, neutered and declawed."

    "Winners at the card party were William Davenport, a turkey, and Mrs. Trudy Baker, a chicken."

    "Dear Teacher: Stanley had to miss some school. He had an attack of whooping cranes in his chest."

    "Dear Teacher: Lynda was away as she had stripe infection."

    "Dear Teacher: Please excuse the stink on Bill's clothes. We've been spraying the garden because it is full of abnoxus incests."

    "Dear Teacher: Please excuse Jane. She had an absent tooth. Wednesday she will have an appointment with the orinthologist."

    "Dear Teacher: Please excuse my daughter's absence for the past week, as she had a case of the fool."


    • #47
      Pig 'n *****

      A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.

      As they pass each other the woman leans out of her window and yells,

      The man immediately leans out his window and screams back,

      They continue on their way. As the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.


      • #48
        Aviation Guide

        Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

        If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back -- then they get bigger again)

        Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

        It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

        The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

        Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

        It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

        The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

        Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great' landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

        The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

        Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

        You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.

        Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.

        A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

        Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

        Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

        Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.

        Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.

        There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

        The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.

        Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

        It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

        A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

        Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.

        Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.

        Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

        You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

        There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

        Gravity never loses -- the best you can hope for is a draw!

        You start out flying with a bag of luck and a bag of experience, the trick is to get your bag of experience full before your bag of luck is empty.


        • #49
          After surgery

          As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

          "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."


          • #50
            Jury fixing

            Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out
            for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

            The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

            When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

            "Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."


            • #51
              Signs from hotels and from around the world:

              In a Tokyo hotel:
              Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing please not to read notis.

              In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
              The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

              In a Leipzig elevator:
              Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

              In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
              To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

              In a Bangkok drycleaners:
              Drop your trousers here for best results.

              In a Japanese hotel:
              You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

              In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
              Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of Ascension.

              In a Yugoslav hotel:
              The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

              On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
              Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

              On the menu of a Polish hotel:
              Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

              Outside a Hong Kong tailor's shop:
              Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

              Outside a Paris dress shop:
              Dresses for street walking.


              • #52
                A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and
                didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for
                letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one
                wish, but only one."

                The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii
                but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me
                claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to

                The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do
                that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold
                up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the
                ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just
                too much to ask."

                The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other
                thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand
                women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are
                they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"

                The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes
                or four?"


                • #53
                  Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly
                  letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she
                  insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior,
                  Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody,
                  and I'm very proud of that fact."

                  The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will
                  you stop?" Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces
                  of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one.
                  Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a
                  tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her
                  panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was
                  done, and there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.

                  Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again.
                  She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked
                  up underneath her skirt. "No wonder you won!" he exclaimed
                  indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"


                  • #54
                    A priest, a doctor, and a professional golfer were waiting one morning for
                    a particularly slow group of golfers.

                    GOLFER: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

                    DOCTOR: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

                    PRIEST: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi
                    George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
                    slow aren't they?

                    GEORGE: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their
                    sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here
                    anytime free of charge!


                    PRIEST: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them

                    DOCTOR: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and
                    see if there's anything he can do for them.

                    GOLFER: Why can't these guys play at night?


                    • #55
                      A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She
                      knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big,
                      hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms
                      answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your
                      biker club".

                      The guy was amused and told her that she needed to
                      meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed
                      to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?" The
                      little old lady says "Yea, thats my Harley over there"
                      and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

                      The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady
                      says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a
                      day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool".

                      The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever
                      been picked up by the Fuzz?".

                      The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up
                      by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples".


                      • #56
                        Police are so confusing, yesterday they pulled me over and took my driver's license
                        Today they pull me over and ask to see it.
                        The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.


                        • #57
                          MICKEY MOUSE

                          Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court And the
                          judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey
                          replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f_cking Goofy."


                          Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
                          splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
                          Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper
                          on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

                          A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through
                          town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

                          Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"


                          • #58
                            SNOW WHITE

                            Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up
                            behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face
                            screaming, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

                            PETER PAN

                            Oh... by the way, did you know Captain Hook died from jock itch?


                            • #59
                              Redneck quickies

                              You might be a redneck if...

                              Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.

                              You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

                              Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

                              You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.

                              You're an expert on worm beds.

                              The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

                              Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"

                              Your family tree does not fork.

                              The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.

                              You haul more than U-Haul.


                              • #60
                                Maria is very religious. She gets married and has 17 children, then her husband dies. She remarries a few weeks later and has another 22 children with her second husband. Maria dies.

                                At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, 'At least they are finally together.'

                                A man standing next to the priest asks,
                                'Excuse me, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?'

                                The priest says, 'I mean her legs.'