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  • #31
    Havin' A Bad Day?

    The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:

    You're a Siamese twin.
    Your brother is gay and you're not.
    You only have the one arse.

    Feel better?

    <center></center>

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    • #32
      Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, the other is four.
      The nine year old grabs a box of Tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

      The cashier asks, "Oh these must be for your Mom, huh?"

      The nine year old shakes his head and replies, "Nope, not for my Mom."

      "Nope not for my sister either." Cashier, curious now; "If they're not for your Mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"

      The nine year old says. "They're for my four year old brother."

      Surprised, the cashier asks, "Your little brother right here??"
      The nine year old explains; "Well, yeah! They say on TV that if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike.
      And my little brother can't do either."
      The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

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      • #33
        Saw this on the optusnet.general newsgroup, sure made me laugh!!! :D



        Q: What's the definition of bad luck?

        A: Sitting in Afghanistan holding your return ticket with Ansett, your travel insurance through HIH, trying to call out on your One.Tel mobile and the only transport you can afford is a dodgy boat trip via Indonesia...
        What came first - Insanity or Society?

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        • #34
          :thumb: I'll pay that one Al

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          • #35
            Mary hears the car drive up, then a clatter as it hits the
            garbage cans. Car door slams, some cussing, then the
            garage door opens, slams. Suddenly more crashing and
            clattering and cussing, then John comes into the house with
            his golf clubs, scowling and cussing.

            "What's the matter, Dear? Did you have as bad day on the
            golf course?" asked Mary.

            "Ya, what a rotten day! What a rotten round of golf! Why I
            only hit two good balls all day, and I wouldn't have hit them if
            I hadn't stepped on the rake in the garage!"

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            • #36
              One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly
              rowdy bar for possible DUI's.

              At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip
              on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he
              found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with
              his keys for several minutes.

              Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his
              engine and began to pull away.

              The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the
              driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser
              test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.

              The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

              The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

              Comment


              • #37
                Why Santa Claus must be a woman!
                Men don't know how to pack a bag.

                Most men wouldn't be caught dead wearing red velvet.

                Men don't even think about selecting gifts until after lunch on Christmas Eve.

                Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

                If Santa were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and Chia Pets, still in the bag from the mall.

                If Santa were a man he would have no reindeer, because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped across the front of the sleigh. And Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

                And if he did find some way to power the sleigh, he'd never get to everyone's house because he would get lost up there in the snow and never stop to ask for directions.

                Men would feel their masculinity is threatened by having to be seen with all those elves.

                Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."

                Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up chicks.
                The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

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                • #38
                  A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an
                  hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her.
                  Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.

                  When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles
                  following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she
                  looked around, there were three cops following her.

                  Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She
                  screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten
                  minutes later, she innocently walked out.

                  The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without
                  batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you
                  thought I would make it."

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                  • #39
                    WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED . . .

                    A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of
                    bed in the middle of the night.
                    5% said it was to get a glass of water,
                    12% said it was to go the toilet,
                    83% said it was to go home.

                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
                    A MAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST...

                    He's sitting at the table and his son is on the cover of the box of
                    Wheaties.
                    His mistress is on the cover of Playboy.
                    And his wife is on the back of the milk carton.

                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

                    My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This
                    will make you happy tonight!" He was right. When he went out of
                    the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't
                    get back in.

                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

                    It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped
                    out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would
                    think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you
                    for your money," she replied.

                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

                    A couple are lying in bed. The man says: "I am going to make you the
                    happiest woman in the world" The woman says : "I will surely miss you."

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                    • #40
                      Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odour.

                      "Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl.

                      "Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my
                      head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at
                      my feet and I wash up as far as possible."

                      "Well," the doctor concluded, "Go home and wash
                      'possible'!!!"

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                      • #41
                        When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's
                        circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back
                        to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet
                        another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur
                        (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that
                        he was tired of speechmaking.

                        "I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you
                        give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

                        Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

                        When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's
                        cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur
                        gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered
                        a few questions expertly.

                        Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric
                        question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there
                        to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

                        Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a
                        steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so
                        simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back,
                        answer it for me."

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                        • #42
                          Bob got behind in his car payments and, in an effort to shame him into paying the credit company wrote: "What would your neighbours think if we came and repossessed you car?" He wrote back: "Dear Sirs. I took the matter up with my neighbours and they all reckon it would be a lousy trick."

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                          • #43
                            Aussie virgin


                            A madam decides to retire & get married. Her main requirement in a husband is that he be a virgin. She meets an Australian whom she is convinced is a virgin & marries him.

                            On their honeymoon she says "I'm going to the bathroom & get ready. You get things ready out here."

                            When she comes out of the bathroom, he has pushed all the furniture out in the hall.

                            "Why did you do that?" she asked.

                            "Well love, I figured if women were anything like kangaroos we'd need all the room we can get"

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                            • #44
                              Cross-examined


                              An Amish man named Samuel was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car at an intersection. Samuel sued the driver of the car. In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:

                              Lawyer: Samuel, you've told us all about your injuries. However, according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you weren't injured at all, isn't that true?"

                              Samuel: Well ... let me explain.

                              Lawyer: Go right ahead (thinking he now had the plaintiff on the ropes). Please tell the jury.

                              Samuel: When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked upon my fallen horse. Finding him injured, the officer said to me, 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took out his weapon and shot my horse dead. Then the officer came up me and asked me how I was doing.
                              Of course, I immediately replied, 'I'm OK!'

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                              • #45
                                School Files


                                And who says our educational system is in dire straits? I submit these compilations as testimony to the debate, taken from children, newspapers, and teachers:

                                "This paper needs a few comas."

                                "When papa passed away they burned his ashes and brought them home in a urinal."

                                "We sat down to a picnic dinner of fricken chicasee."

                                "You shake milk in a big stirrer machine to make it homicidal."

                                "It was so hot during football practice that a lot of kids keeled over from nervous prostitution. Rusty Banazek broke his clavichord in scrimmage."

                                "At the Knights of Columbus dinner, they will serve the same fish as last year."

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