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  • #16
    A Cuban, Scot, Kiwi and Aussie were travelling in the same carriage on a train bragging about their homelands when the Cuban lit up a big fat cigar. He took one puff of the sought after log and threw it out the window.

    "Why didya goen do that fir" cried the Scotsman. T'was a real Cubin cigar you just threw out the window laddy".

    "My country has so many cigars that losing tenfold this amount means nothing to me. There is plenty more where it came from", returned the bragging Cuban.

    The Scot wondered what item his country had bountiful quantities
    of so that he could out-do the Cuban. From out of his bag he pulled a brand new bottle of the finest Scotch Whisky, took a gulp and threw the bottle from the train.

    "Why in the bloody hell did ya do that for ya stupid Scottish
    *******" howled the Aussie. "That was a top drop you just got rid of".

    "Ah young laddy, such whiskey runs like water in my fine country.
    Losing even the finest bottle means nothing to me - there is
    plenty more where it came from".

    At that point the Aussie picked up the Kiwi and hurled him from the train.


    • #17
      A bloke was walking down the street in Belfast late one night when a hooded figure leaped out of the shadows and stuck a gun in his ribs.
      "Are you a Protestant or a catholic?" the gunman demanded.
      "Neither" the terrified bloke replied. " I'm Jewish".
      "Oh boy!" the gunman exclaimed." I must be the luckiest Arab in Northern Ireland!"


      "It took me ages to play a round of golf with Robbo today," moaned Bill back at the club house. "Why?" asked the barman. "What happened?"
      "He had a heart attack and died on the fifth hole," Bill explained. "and its hard going -- hit, drag, hit, drag, hit, drag...."


      "Listen baby," the prisoner whispered to his girlfriend, " I want
      you to get me some wire cutters and a file and smuggle them to me inside a cake." "OK" his girl nodded and left.
      Months went by and finally she returned to the gaol empty handed.
      " What went wrong?" the prisoner asked.
      "Oh, I got the file and wire cutters all right," she replied, " but how the heck do I bake a cake?"


      Q. What's the difference between a machine gun and an accordion?

      A. A machine gun stops after 20 rounds!


      Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and
      one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this
      country actually eat dogs."

      "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in
      America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

      Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot
      dog vendor and they both walk toward him.

      "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too
      pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil.

      Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap
      their 'dogs.'

      The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it
      for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers
      cautiously, "What part did you get?"


      • #18
        A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.
        The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
        "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
        "And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
        "I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
        "Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
        "I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.
        So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves.
        This continues for 2 weeks.
        Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender says to him;
        "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be
        just brilliant in your circus - he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
        "Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."
        So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.
        The bartender says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job paying really good money!"
        "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
        "At the circus" says the bartender.
        "The circus?" the duck enquires.
        "That's right," replies the bartender.
        "The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
        "That's right!" says the bartender.
        The duck looks confused and asks: "What the f!*k do they want with a plasterer?"


        • #19
          Bob had felt guilty all day long.
          No matter how much he tried to forget about it he couldn't.
          The sense of guilt and betrayal was overwhelming, but every once in a while
          he'd hear a small inner voice trying to reassure him "you are not the first
          Doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last".

          But the other voice would bring him back to reality '"Bob, you're a



          • #20
            One day, Mr. Caterpillar decided to hitch a ride to town.
            As he was standing by the roadside, a family of bees came by in a little car and offered him a ride.
            Gratefully, he accepted.
            After putting along merrily for a few kilometers, the engine sputtered, and the car rolled to a halt.
            Without saying a word, Papa Bee alighted and urinated into the fuel intake.
            When he turned the starter, the engine started up, much to Mr. Caterpillar's amazement!
            However, he did not say a word.
            The car went on for quite some distance before the engine died again.
            This time, it was Mother Bee who urinated into the fuel intake, and again, the car started up after that.
            The process was then repeated again for Baby Bee.
            By the time the engine died for the fourth time, the little car was only a few kilometers from town.
            Not wanting to appear unsophisticated, Mr.Caterpillar got out of the car without a word, and started opening the fuel cap.
            In a flash, Papa Bee got out of the car.
            "What are you doing?" asked Papa Bee.
            "I'm going to piss in the fuel intake,just like you did", said Mr. Caterpillar.
            "Oh, no", said Papa Bee patiently, "that won't do. This car only runs on Bee Pee!" (BP)


            • #21
              A priest took a walk to the pier down by the lake.
              A fisherman asked him if he would like to join him in his boat.
              The priest agreed and they rowed out to the middle of the lake.
              The priest threw in a line and in no time hooked a huge fish.
              "Whoa," said the fisherman, "look at that f*cker!".
              "Please do not swear", said the priest.
              The fisherman thought quickly and said that the fish was in actual fact called a f*cker fish.
              "Oh" said the priest, "I'm sorry, I didn't know that".
              When they reached the shore, the priest took his large fish to show the bishop.
              "Look at this f*cker", said the priest and the bishop frowned.
              "It's alright", said the priest, "that's what the fish is called".
              "Well", replied the bishop, "in that case, I'll clean the f*cker and we can have it for dinner tonight".
              The bishop then cleaned the fish and brought it to the Mother Superior.
              "Sister", said the bishop, "could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?"
              "Goodness", exclaimed the Mother Superior, "such foul language".
              "No sister", he explained, "the fish is called a f*cker. Can you cook it?"
              "Yes", replied the sister, "I'll cook the f*cker tonight".
              Later that evening the Pope dropped by for dinner and after dinner asked where they had gotten the fish.
              "I caught the f*cker", said the priest proudly.
              "I cleaned the f*cker", said the bishop.
              "And I cooked the big f*cker", beamed the Mother Superior.
              After hearing this the Pope paused for a moment, fixing them with a steely gaze and then let out a huge fart, took off his hat, put his feet on the table, lit up a fat cigar, poured himself a large whisky and said, "You know what, you c*nts are alright!!!"



              • #22
                Why can't you watch Television in Afganistan?

                Because of the Taliban.



                • #23
                  "Computer Error"

                  Judy was having trouble with her computer. So she
                  called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tony
                  clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As
                  he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what
                  was wrong?"

                  And he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

                  A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. "An ID
                  Ten T Error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

                  He gave her a grin... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID
                  Ten T Error before?"

                  "No," replied Judy.

                  "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

                  (She wrote...) I D 1 0 T
                  The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.


                  • #24
                    A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of
                    milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, and a package of bacon.
                    As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk
                    standing behind her watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.
                    The drunk said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled, looked at her the four items on the belt, and
                    seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said,"Well,
                    y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know that?" The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n ****
                    The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.


                    • #25
                      Four surgeons

                      Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

                      The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
                      Everything inside is numbered."

                      "I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon. "When you
                      open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered."

                      The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their
                      organs are color coded."

                      The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless,
                      spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable."


                      • #26
                        There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
                        After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give
                        him a chance to shine again.

                        The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has
                        only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a
                        rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb,
                        sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of
                        my mistress.'"

                        The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing
                        line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went
                        up, the
                        actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the
                        "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

                        The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter but the
                        director was steaming!

                        "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
                        The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

                        "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"


                        • #27
                          You Might Be A Redneck Geek

                          If you would describe your family tree as being
                          recursive, you might be a redneck geek.

                          If your pickup truck can find its way home by
                          itself while you are passed-out-drunk, you might
                          be a redneck geek.

                          If your CD-ROM tray has a beer can in it, you
                          might be a redneck geek.

                          If you bought cigarettes over the internet when
                          you were 10 years old, you might be a redneck

                          If you finally do the laundry and find a Commodore
                          64, you might be a redneck geek.

                          If you have mpegs of your sister in the shower,
                          you might be a redneck geek.

                          If your trailer home can talk, you might be a
                          redneck geek.

                          If you built your laser gun sight from scratch,
                          you might be a redneck geek.

                          If you've ever used circuit components as fishing
                          lures, you might be a redneck geek.

                          If you've calculated the flux of grain entering
                          a combine, you might be a redneck geek.

                          If decapitating a chicken makes you think "random
                          walk", you might be a redneck geek.

                          If you joined the local Garth Brooks fan club to
                          increase your odds of getting a date, you might
                          be a redneck geek.

                          If all of your pants are L3\/I2 jeans, you might
                          be a redneck geek.

                          If your VCR has been broken for five years, yet
                          still displays the correct time, you might be a
                          redneck geek.
                          The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.


                          • #28
                            Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.
                            By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth.
                            One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
                            This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
                            "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry.
                            I didn't mean to hurt you.
                            I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going.
                            In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
                            "It's quite OK," replied the snake, "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
                            "Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.
                            So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
                            "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
                            Then the bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."
                            So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either an accountant, or possibly someone in senior management."



                            • #29
                              Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night,
                              after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole.
                              He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home,
                              well inebriated, around midnight each night. He
                              always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole,
                              and getting the door opened.

                              His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door
                              and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and
                              scream at him, for his constant nights out and coming
                              home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his
                              nightly routine.

                              One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her
                              husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by
                              it all. The friend listened to her and then said,

                              "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he
                              comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you
                              give him some loving words and welcome him home with
                              a kiss? He then might change his ways."

                              The wife thought it was worth trying.

                              That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And,
                              about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.
                              His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it,
                              opened the door and let Harry in.

                              This time, instead of berating him, as she had always
                              done, she took his arm and led him into the living room.
                              She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on
                              the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went
                              behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a
                              while, she said to him,

                              "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs
                              to bed now, don't you?"

                              At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state,

                              "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I
                              get home anyway!"


                              • #30
                                15 Grocery Store Pick-Up Lines

                                15> "I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could
                                check you out all day long!"

                                14> "Is it really cold in frozen foods, or are you just happy
                                to see me?"

                                13> "May I use those melons for my Fruit of the Loom salad?"

                                12> "How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?"

                                11> "What a coincidence! You've got butter in your cart, and
                                I've got a copy of 'Last Tango in Paris' at home!"

                                10> "How much of this caviar do you think I can get into the
                                trunk of my Ferrari?"

                                9> "I've got some meat here that's 'Best if used by tonight.'"

                                8> "Price check for mixed roasted nuts on aisle 69!"

                                7> "You know, it ain't often that I see a lady buying pork rinds,
                                and when I see a lady buying pork rinds, I says to myself,
                                'This is one chick I *got* to get to know better.'"

                                6> "What a small world! I belong to the Safeway Club, too!"

                                5> "So how would you like to become a stock *man*?"

                                4> "Pssst! My piggly is wiggly."

                                3> "Are we in the laxatives aisle? 'Cause the thought of
                                hooking up with you is running though my mind like crazy."

                                2> "Clean up in Aisle BVD!"

                                and Number 1 Grocery Store Pick-Up Line...

                                1> "Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause
                                you're all that *and* a bag of chips."