No announcement yet.

Jokes.

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Job Recruiter's Lingo pt 2
    ==========================

    Must have an Eye for Detail

    we have no quality control

    Apply in Person

    If you're old, fat or ugly, you'll be told the position has
    been filled.

    No Phone Calls Please

    We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal
    formality.

    Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience

    You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

    Problem-Solving Skills a Must

    you're walking into a company in perpetual chaos

    Good Communication Skills

    Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they
    want, and doit.

    Require Team Leadership Skills

    you'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay
    or respect.

    Comment


    • Granny was in her eighties and much admired for
      her sweetness and kindness
      to all. The pastor came to call on her one
      afternoon early in the spring
      and she welcomed him into her parlor..

      He took a seat while she prepared some tea. As
      he sat facing her old pump
      organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl
      sitting on top of it, filled
      with water.

      In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

      Imagine his shock and surprise! And curiosity!
      Surely, Miss Granny had
      flipped!! But he felt he couldn't mention the
      strange sight in her parlor.

      When she returned with the tea and cookies they
      began to chat. The pastor tried
      to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water
      and the floating item, but soon
      it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.

      "Miss Granny," he said while pointing to the
      bowl, "I wonder if you could
      tell me about this?"

      "Oh, yes", she replied, "Isn't it wonderful! I was
      walking down town last fall and I found this
      little package. The directions said
      to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would
      prevent disease.
      And you know . . . I haven't had a cold all
      winter."
      The reason a diamond shines so brightly is because it has many facets which reflect light.

      Comment


      • The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father; a government employee who attempts to solve thecouple's problem by impregnating the wife.

        The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell................

        Ms Smith: "Good morning."
        Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to....."

        Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.

        Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies,
        especially twins."

        Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

        Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"

        Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."

        Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."

        Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"

        Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in
        the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on
        the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows
        the subject to really spread out.

        Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."

        Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one
        every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot
        from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with
        the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to
        please.'"

        Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"

        Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."

        Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"

        Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just
        look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on
        top of a bus in downtown London."

        Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"

        Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town.

        They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

        Ms Smith: "She was?"

        Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to
        Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked
        under such impossible conditions. People were crowding
        around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

        Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"

        Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling
        at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to
        ask a couple of men restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

        Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
        Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my
        work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my
        patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one
        in the front window of a big department store."

        Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."

        Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my
        tripod so that we can get to work."
        Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
        Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!

        Comment


        • <center>Never Argue With A Woman</center>

          A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort New Zealand.
          The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn.
          The wife liked to read.
          One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
          Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat.
          She drove out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.
          Along came the warden in his boat.
          He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
          "Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "isn't it obvious?"
          "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
          "But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
          "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and charge you."
          "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
          "But, I haven't even touched you," groused the warden.
          "Yes, she replied, "but you have all the equipment."

          MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read. It's likely she can also think.

          <center> </center>

          Comment


          • ...........and dont you forget it :D

            Comment


            • Time to pick on the men!

              If they can put one man on the moon, why not all of them?

              When a woman makes a fool of a man....it is usually an improvement!

              Q: What's the difference between men and pigs?
              A: Pigs don't turn into men when they're drunk!

              Equality is a myth - woman are better!

              All the women moaning about finding a husband have obviously never had one.

              Most men prefer looks to brains because most men see better than they think!

              The average man is proof that women can take a joke!

              A man who belittles a woman in public is only trying to pull her down to his size.

              Q: What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain?
              A: A widower!

              Comment


              • Statements that will almost gaurantee you won't get any!

                "Oh, you had a bad day at work? Where's my dinner?"

                "I know this is the fifth night in a row I've been out with the guys,
                but it's the Tyson fight."

                "I know it's a 3-day golf weekend...we'll make love when I get back, OK?"

                "Are you retaining water this week?"

                "I was only kidding..."

                "Are you feeling ok? You look like ****."

                "Your best friend Debbie is such a *****!"

                "I'll be right up after the Simpsons, OK?"

                "You should see the new sexy, young employee that started today..."

                "I don't really care for cats."

                Comment


                • <center>Some American Sayings</center>

                  Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

                  I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

                  I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"

                  I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

                  Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

                  Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

                  If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

                  I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

                  The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

                  There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's.

                  If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!!

                  I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

                  I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

                  I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

                  Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

                  Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.

                  If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway!

                  Welcome To **** Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

                  How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

                  Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

                  Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

                  Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

                  Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
                  <center> </center>

                  Comment


                  • A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
                    stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed,
                    "Dear Lord,I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
                    merely stays at home.I want her to know what I go through, so please
                    create a trade in our bodies".

                    God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next
                    morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked
                    breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school
                    clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to
                    school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the
                    cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power
                    bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone
                    company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put
                    away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and
                    bathed the dog.

                    Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the
                    laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to
                    the school to pick the kids and got into an argument with them on the
                    way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do
                    their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while
                    he did the ironing.

                    At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad,
                    breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After
                    supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry,
                    bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 p.m. he was exhausted
                    and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where
                    he was expected to make love-which he managed to get through without
                    complaint. The next morning he awoke and immediately
                    knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
                    I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
                    Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite
                    wisdom, replied,

                    "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy
                    to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait
                    9 months, though. You got pregnant last night"

                    Comment


                    • A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000
                      to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious
                      and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, "I have
                      my reasons which I would rather not tell right now." So, the artist
                      goes ahead and does the job.

                      But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants
                      a $100 bill on his p*nis. So, he tells the man that he really needs to
                      know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would
                      have paid for the tatoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a
                      $100 bill on his willie. So, the man consents and offers these three
                      reasons: "First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch
                      my money grow. And third,and most importantly, the next time my wife
                      wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it."

                      Comment


                      • Benny wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. At
                        his interview, the inspector asked him this question:

                        "What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for
                        each other on the SAME track?

                        Benny replied," I would switch the points for one of
                        the trains."

                        "Good. But what if the lever broke?", asked the
                        inspector.

                        "Then I'd run down to the signal box", said Benny,
                        "and use the manual lever there."

                        "What if lightning struck it?' asked the inspector.

                        "Then..." Benny continued, "I'd run back into signal
                        box & phone the next signal box."

                        "What if the phone was engaged?"

                        "Well.....in that case," persevered Benny, " I'd
                        rush down out of the box & use the public emergency
                        phone at the level of the crossing up there..."

                        "What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"

                        "Oh, well then I'd run into the village & get my
                        Uncle Toby."

                        This bizarre response puzzled the Inspector, so he
                        asked, "And just why would you do that?"

                        "Because Uncle Toby... He's never seen a train wreck!"

                        Comment


                        • Taliban Trap
                          ============

                          A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a
                          voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One American Marine is better than
                          ten Taliban". The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers
                          over the dune where upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few
                          minutes, then silence.

                          The voice then calls out "One American Marine is better than one hundred
                          Taliban". Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops
                          over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of
                          battle, again silence.

                          The American voice calls out again "One American Marine is better than one
                          thousand Taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand
                          fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun
                          fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one
                          wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words
                          tells his commander... "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There are
                          actually two of them."

                          Comment


                          • <center>A Blonde Joke</center>

                            A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant.
                            The pharmacist a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.
                            Unfazed the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
                            "I'm sorry" says the pharmacist " we don't have any."
                            "But I always get it here," says the blonde.
                            The pharmacist asks "Do you have the container it comes in?"
                            "Yes" said the blonde "I'll go home and get it".
                            She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at her and says "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
                            The annoyed blonde snatches back the container and reads out loud from the container,


                            ( Wait for it - it's good )


                            "To apply, push up bottom"
                            <center>:cheers:</center>

                            Comment


                            • Military ****
                              =============


                              Rated PG-13

                              An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15 lb.
                              weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says,

                              "This is ****!"

                              An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back,
                              weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles,
                              and says with a smile,

                              "This is good ****!"

                              A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after
                              swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles
                              at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin,

                              "This really is great ****."

                              A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug infested mud of a swamp with
                              a
                              65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an
                              aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore,
                              killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles
                              through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says,

                              "I love this ****."

                              The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned office, and
                              says,

                              "My e-mail's out? What kind of **** is this?"

                              Comment


                              • Will Rogers
                                ===========

                                A long time ago, there was a man named Will Rogers,
                                and this is what he said:

                                Don't squat with your spurs on.

                                Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that
                                comes from bad judgment.

                                Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n
                                puttin' it back in.

                                If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back
                                every now and then to make sure it's still there.

                                If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
                                influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

                                After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so
                                good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter
                                came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full
                                of bull, keep your mouth shut.

                                Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

                                There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither
                                one works.

                                If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do
                                is stop diggin'.

                                Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

                                It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock
                                of sheep.

                                Always drink upstream from the herd.

                                When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter
                                or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their
                                lesson.

                                When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to
                                have it thrown around by somebody else.

                                The quickest way to double your money is to fold
                                it over and put it back in your pocket.

                                Never miss a good chance to shut up.

                                There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by
                                reading, the few who learn by observation, and the
                                rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for
                                themselves.

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X