Jokes.

[Mr. C]

[Kay]

"It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no
cure, and you'll just have to live with it until it
goes away."

"But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making
me so miserable."

The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling.
Then he said, "Look, go home and take a hot
bath. Then put a bathing suit on and run
around the block three or four times."

"What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!"

"We have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said.

[Kay]

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."

"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few
minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points." His wife rolls over
and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie
score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown,
I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie
score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says,
"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so
he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally
unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he
poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Biker Granny
============
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local
biker club.

One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big,
hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms
answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your
club."

The guy was amused, and decides to humor her a bit,
so he says she needs to meet certain biker
requirements in order to join.

The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies "Yep ...my bike's parked
over there," and points to a flamed black Harley
chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady
replies, "Yep, I drink like a fish. I'll drink any
man in your club under the table.

The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old
lady replies, "Yep, I smoke like a chimney. At least
4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a
couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting
pool.

The biker is very impressed and asks,"You sound like
one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up
by the fuzz? The little old lady says, "Nope, but I've
been swung around by my **** a few times.

[Kay]

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!

[Beefy]

**** may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:

You can be **** faced,
**** out of luck,
or have **** for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your **** together,
find a place for your ****
or decide to **** or get off the pot.

You can smoke ****,
buy ****,
sell ****,
lose ****,
find ****,
forget ****,
and tell others to eat **** and die.

Some people know their ****, while others
can't tell the difference between **** and shineola.

There are lucky ****s,
dumb ****s,
crazy ****s,
and sweet ****s.

There is bull ****,
horse **** and
chicken ****.

You can throw ****,
sling ****,
catch ****,
shoot ****,
or duck when **** hits the fan.

You can give a **** or
serve **** on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep ****
or be happier than a pig in ****.

Some days are colder than ****,
some days are hotter than ****,
and some days are just plain ****ty.

Some music sounds like ****,
things can look like ****,
and there are times when you feel like ****.

You can have too much ****,
not enough ****,
the right ****,
the wrong **** or
a lot of weird ****.

You can carry ****,
have a mountain of ****,
or find yourself up **** creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to ****
and other times you fall in a bucket of **** and
come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your ****,
you don't need to know anything else!

[Andy]

i have one just like that, but for the word **** and its an audio file, i'll see if i can find it

[Beefy]

so do I.. it's called **** - It's many uses.... :)

[Mr. C]

World's Thinnest Books

23. Microsoft's complete guide to virus protection.
22. Microsoft's complete guide to data security.
21. Bill Gates' guide to creating unique applications and PC
operating systems.
20. Things I Can't Afford - by Bill Gates.
19. Beauty Secrets - by Janet Reno.
18. Home Built Airplanes - by John Denver.
17. How To Get To The Superbowl - by Dan Marino
16. Things I Love About Bill - by Hillary Clinton.
15. My Life's Memories - by Ronald Reagan.
14. Things I Would Not Do For Money - by Dennis Rodman
13. The Wild Years - by Al Gore
12. Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean.
11. America's Most Popular Lawyers.
10. Detroit - A Travel Guide
9. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches.
8. Everything Men Know About Women.
7. Everything Women Know About Men.
6. All The Men I've Loved Before - by Ellen DeGeneres
5. Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette.
4. Spotted Owl Recipes - by the Sierra Club.
3. The Amish Phone Directory.
2. My Plan To Find The Real Killers - by O. J. Simpson
1. My Book Of Morals - by Bill Clinton.

[Kay]

WHO ARE THE BEST WOMEN TO MARRY?

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".

The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

6:00 a.m.
The phone rings it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.
The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you're not sanitary, you're not sanitary". Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.

6:30 a.m.
The telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed. Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."

Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.

4:30 p.m.
The teacher's husband called for breakfast. Joe can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. The wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"
The man smiles and happily replies,
"No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."

[Wiggo's-sister]

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to
paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected,
sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably
distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the
doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck
seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to
show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever
seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed."

[Wiggo's-sister]

The governors of Alabama, Georgia & Mississippi would
like to announce that they have made a disturbing
discovery in their states. Apparently, a small
number of terrorists have become romantically
involved with the locals. The result was not pretty,
and we now have the sad task of reporting a new
hybrid ethnic group, ISLAMABUBBAS .

So far, only a smattering of actual births has been
reported, and we are hard at work trying to isolate
and seal them off. To date, we have identified the
following:

Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Bout It
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Charlene Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Cleavie Daba Hava Tampa
Linda Sue Bin There Dunthat

Not surprisingly, they all seem to have sprung from
one couple: Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin
Lovin.

[Kay]

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the madame. "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. At the second one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the madame. "If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned. "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir", said the madame while gesturing to a grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Job Recruiter's Lingo pt 1
==========================


Competitive Salary

we remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Join our Fast-Pace Team

we have no time to train you.

Casual Work Atmosphere

we don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a
couple of the real daring guys wear earings.

Must be Deadline Oriented

you'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some Overtime Required

some time each night and some time each weekend.

Duties Will Vary

anyone in the office can boss you around.