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  • A young man is lost and walking in the desert. One hot day, he spots the
    home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and
    collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to
    health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the
    nearest town. On his way out, he sees the missionaries horse. He goes back
    into the house and asks the him if he could borrow his horse. The
    missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You
    have to say `Thank God' to make it go and `Amen' to make it stop." Not
    paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets on the horse
    and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank
    God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the
    man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off.
    Pretty soon he sees a cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to
    make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers,
    The horse stops four inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the
    saddle and says, "Thank God."


    • A local charity office realized that it had never received a
      donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The
      person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him
      to contribute.

      "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
      $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you
      like to give back to the community in some way?"

      The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First,
      did your research also show that my mother is dying after a
      long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her
      annual income?"

      Embarrassed, the rep mumbled, ""

      "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined
      to a wheelchair?"

      The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology but was
      interrupted, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic
      accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her
      penniless withthree children?!"

      The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no

      On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "And if I don't
      give them a penny, why should I give any to you?!?"


      • A woman goes into her gynecologist's office, and is a little nervous. her doctor comes in and can tell she is a bit on edge, so he says "is there anything wrong?" and she says "im just a little nervous, the exams are always a little uncomfortable" and he says "ok, would you like me to numb it up a bit then?" and she says that would be great. so then he....drops his head between her legs..
        "num num num num num num!"



        • ROFLMAO!!!!
          Trust you to come up with something like that


          • LOL, num num num. :laugh:


            • <center>Exercise</center>

              It is well documented that for every minute you exercise, you add a minute to your life.
              This enables you, at 85 years of age, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month!

              My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
              Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is!

              The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

              I joined a health club last year and spent about 400 bucks.
              Haven't lost a pound.
              Apparently you have to show up.

              I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

              I like long walks... especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

              I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

              The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

              If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

              And last, but not least, I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass!

              You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!


              • There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.
                One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
                The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa.
                The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
                She replied, "He said, 'WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!'"
                "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
                Again, the deaf sister asked, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
                The other sister replied, "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
                So they wiggled up close to each other.
                "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the
                Yet again, the deaf sister yells to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
                The twin sister replies, "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
                With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"


                • LOL.. that was good.. :thumb:


                  • * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
                    hell happened to your bra.

                    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
                    whispering when you are not.

                    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
                    like a retard.

                    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
                    friends over and over again that you love them.

                    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can

                    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
                    ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

                    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have
                    mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

                    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
                    logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

                    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in
                    the morning and see something really scary.

                    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
                    inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

                    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
                    are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

                    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are

                    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
                    laughing WITH you.

                    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
                    time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

                    * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.


                      It says: "Press Any Key"
                      It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

                      It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
                      It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 30 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

                      It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
                      It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

                      It says: "Please insert disk 11"
                      It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

                      It says: "Not enough memory"
                      It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 512MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."

                      It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
                      It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

                      It says: "Please Wait...."
                      It means: "... Indefinitely."

                      It says: "Directory does not exist...."
                      It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

                      It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
                      It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back. Kiss your afternoon goodbye..."


                      • Originally posted by Mr. C
                        * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
                        hell happened to your bra.

                        * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
                        oh, i get those all the time.. :D


                        • Further proof that we must be more
                          careful about the long term implications of our
                          priorities for funding medical research:
                          Over the past few years more money has been
                          spent on breast implants and Viagra than on
                          Alzheimer's Disease.The inevitable result
                          is that soon we will have a lot of people running
                          around with huge breasts and persistent
                          erections who cannot remember what to do with them.


                          • An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him
                            how he's feeling.

                            "I've never been better! " he replies. "I've got an
                            eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do
                            you think about that"

                            The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell
                            you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a
                            season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs
                            his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's in the woods and suddenly a
                            grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points
                            it at the bear and squeezes the handle.

                            The bear drops dead in front of him."

                            "That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear."


                            • One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their
                              computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil was typing
                              away. Suddenly a huge blackout filled heaven and hell.
                              When the lights came back on, Jesus picked up right where
                              he left off, but the Devil's screen was black. Satan says,
                              "How could this happen? I did everything Jesus did!"
                              Then one person in Hell says, "No, Jesus Saves."


                              • What took you so long WS?