Jokes.

[Fieldgenerator]

[dryadsoul]

And here was me thinking erotic sex required a partner from a unfamilliar foriegn land, while kinky merely calls for fetish & a pair jumper cables/chainsaw.:rofl: Dho'......silly meeeeee:shrug:

[Sunshine]

dryad - you're a sick puppy :laugh:

[Wiggo]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.

He goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do". "I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place". "I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed, over and over and over.

Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said,"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said ............................................





"OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

[Wiggo]

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Mary Lou.

[belveder]

Where Are U From?


A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie
theater. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said,
"That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any
manners? Where did you come from?"

The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

A Man With No Arms
==================

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer.
The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass
up to my mouth?"

"Sure," said the bartender, and he did.

"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to

get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."

"Certainly." And it was done.

"If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket,
you'll find the money for the beer."

The bartender got it.

"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is
the men's room?"

"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's
one in a filling station on the corner."


Unique Breakfast
================

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read
"Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he
wanted.

"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively.

"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken!
Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never
even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's
mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"

The man replied. "I'll have two eggs."

[Wiggo's-sister]

Hot air ballon ride

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

A doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an
unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the doctor
asked.

The aged gentleman replied: "doctor, you must help me. Every time
I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I
can hardly catch my breath.... doctor, I'm scared!"

The doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said: "Mr. Smith,
these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of
your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these
symptoms?"

The old gent's response was: "Well... three times last night, and
twice again this morning!"

[lionofjudah]

A man and woman meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go back to the woman's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
Watching him, the woman says, "You must be a dentist."
Surprised, the guy responds, "Yes... how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love. Once they're done, the woman says, "You must be a really good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego, says, "Well yes, I am a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"

[Wiggo's-sister]

Coffee And Viagra
=================

A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her
husband's sex drive.

"Have you considered trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin
for a headache."

"No problem -- there's away around that," replies the doctor. "Drop
it into his coffee -- he won't even taste it. Try it and come back
in a week to let me know how you got on."

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and the doctor inquires
as to how things went.

"Oh doctor, it was horrible, horrible, horrible!"

"What happened?" asks the doctor, aghast.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The
effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the
cutlery off the table, ripped my clothes off and then proceeded
to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was horrible!"

"What was horrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not fulfilling?"

"Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years. But
I don't think I'll ever be able to show my face at Starbucks
again!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Home Remedies
=============

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables
by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and
bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit
the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives,
then you will be afraid to cough.

Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then
you will forget about the toothache.

[belveder]

Workplace Fun

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear
them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your
boss is of a different gender than you.

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these
names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to
have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."

Send email to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're
doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

Highlight your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since
you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call
everyone Marge.

Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee
or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're
waiting for your document.

Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they
want fries with that.

Send email back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an
intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to
settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
chair-dancing.

Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

Send email messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the
lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found
none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "oh you've got to be faster
than that.

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has
withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Newborn Baby
============

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were
sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the
other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and I'm
just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "Hell, I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just sh*t my
pants."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

British Letter of Complaint
====================

What follows is an example of British humour in
a complaint letter sent sent to a British ISP. The
piece suggests two things:

1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones
who get poor service from their ISP, cable or alarm
companies. (NTL is a cable operator in Britain).

2) The Brits probably write the world's best
letters of complaint.

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I
signed up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable
modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of
service which I had not previously considered possible,
as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic
proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
details, so that you can either pursue your
professional prerogative and seek to rectify these
difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that you
can have some entertaining reading material as you
while away the working day smoking, and drinking
vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning,
resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on
my arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he
did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening
to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at
your helpful website. HOW? I alleviated the boredom by
playing with my testicles for a few minutes -- an
activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and
highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took
place some two weeks later, although the technician
did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such
as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my
cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone
calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after
I had requested, and begun to pay for it. I estimate
your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the
hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday through
Friday, and most of the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I
have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line,
and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of
disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also
highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed
that a telephone line is available (and someone will
call me back); that I will be transferred to someone
who knows whether or not a telephone line is available
(and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to
someone (and then been redirected to an answering
machine informing me that your office is closed); that
I will be transferred to someone and then been
redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman, and
several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you
have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers
to ignore, and also another one of those crucially
important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I
don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to
voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at
your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I
continue.

I truly thought British Telecom was ****, and they
had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer
relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be
more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to
delivering service to their customers. That's why I
chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else
is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I
discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and
disappointment what a useless shower of *******s you
truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended
rectum incompetents of the highest order.

BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant
beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly
limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now
given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive
any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease
any potential future attempts to extort payment from me
for the services which you have so pointedly and
catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity
will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief
and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even
perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great
care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my
utter and complete contempt for both you and your
pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit -- they were
satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would
feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings
towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable
short lives, you irritatingly incompetent and
infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts.

[Wiggo's-sister]

Tackle
======

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just
come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week! It's the opportunity of a
life time! We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment,
and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them
up."He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week
later he returns. His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says:
" Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife
smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

Moral: Check your tackle!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Talking Parrot
==============

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since
she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll
leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on
the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry
about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do
NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO
NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's
apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest
looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the
dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his
work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman
couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid
ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

[dryadsoul]

WS, that is no doubt extremely funny Shyte, could ya get spike
to check the tackle while he's waiting for a reply from NTL customer service, since he seems to be familiar with the Bird :confused: :rofl:

Thank gawd for the Brit's and the paitence they boldly exchange with each other and nought the rest of the bloody world :rofl:May no Birtts take umbridge at this wee bit 'o spittle, in spite of my Scotts/Irish heritage(were it nought for the Guiness).....what ya expect for a Yank Ehh??

:confused: